Thursday, December 6, 2018

Marvel Sue

UPDATE: Oops, I forgot to include the new trailer, it's at the end.




Meet the new Rey, dull as the old.


You don’t like Carol Danvers or T’Challa? That’s totally fine. Bashing them because they’re not your Wonder Bread superhero you remember from youth isn’t. The reason I did the tweet was because, a mere two minutes after the trailer dropped, men dominated the comment section on YouTube, talking about how ‘bad’ they thought the movie looked.

Remember when they told Carol to smile more after the first trailer dropped? It’s just all rooted in this sexist idea that women can’t be superheroes and that, when we do get a superhero movie, we’re supposed to let men trash it because they’re nervous over the idea of inclusion.

So sure, I told men to keep their hot takes to themselves. Should I apologize to all men? No, because I believe that there are men out there who realize I’m not referring to them. It’s not an ‘all men’ tweet but is one that refers to a specific group of men who are currently calling me an ‘idiot’ and responding to all my tweets with dumb comments.





Separate Justice for Separate Issues, dear lady. I like T'Challa just fine. What I don't like is what they did to him in the movie. Black Panther has always been a solid nationalist hero and they took that away from him, (and had him hand feeding a rhinoceros like it was a fucking pet chicken).

Carol Danvers however is another matter entirely.  

She's always sucked.

Honestly, it's a problem inherit with Captain Marvel himself.  Meet the OG

If you want to find picutres of me google for Shazam
Yeah, I think it's stupid too.

In 1939 Fawcett Comics decided it was time to ripoff the OG superhero himself, Superman.  They came up with Captain Thunder (in case you were ever curious about the lightening bolt).  There was a last minute change to Captain Marvelous (too gay even for 1939), which lead to a last second change to Captain Marvel.  Although in all honestly that was to reduce the size of the text bubbles.  

It has to be said he was a roaring success.  At one point Captain Marvel was selling 1.3 million copies per issue.  No one in the industry even dreams of numbers that big today.  

The reason it was a success wasn't the hero's powers, which were a complete ripoff of Superman's but because of the backstory of Billy Batson, the news paper boy crippled by polio (back then everybody knew somebody with that problem),  who with a single, magical word becomes an omni-competent demigod.  

The stories were better and a young Jack Kirby was doing the artwork, so that was better too.  What wasn't better was Fawcett's legal team.  National (DC) Comics claimed copyright infringement on Superman.  Fawcett didn't exactly lose but past a certain point, the process itself became punishment enough for a struggling company.  And Fawcett finally canceled the title.

And that is where things got interesting.  Like I said, Fawcett didn't have the best representation out there.  Consequently, Fawcett let the Captain Marvel trademark (although not the actual copyright) fall into public domain.  If memory reliably serves,* there were four of Captain Marvel's running around at one point.


This one is easily my favorite.
An android that dismembered itself on command the command, "SPLIT"**
Wait a second, Doctor Fate?!?!?


One of these unauthorized Captain Marvels became the masthead for what is now the jewel in Mickey the Great and Terrible's crown. DC acquired the rights to the guy with a lightening bolt on his chest and eventually renamed him Shazam.

But here is the big problem with Captain Marvel.  He has always been over powered as a hero.  It's damn near impossible to build dramatic tension when the hero can easily solve his Problem of the Month by hucking the Moon at his latest enemy. It's an issue that goes back to Hercules himself.  How do you make a character interesting when brute force literally solves all of his problems?

The answer is you make the man behind the mask relatable..

In the case of Hercules, the Ancient Greeks made him a lovable, bumbling idiot.  In the case of Superman, the writers made him a nerd, who had a hopeless crush on a girl that only had eyes for his alter-ego.  In  the case of (the OG) Captain Marvel, it was the story of a frustrated and powerless boy suddenly in the body of a grownup and all powerful man.  Finally in the case of  Marvel's Captain Mar-vell we have the legend of an alien sent to Earth to destroy us all but came to love us and eventually betrayed the mighty Kree Empire to protect us all. 

A pity we aren't going to meet that guy.  But you have to remember, the entire point of this film, isn't to make a good flick about a great character.  It's to make a feminist  movie.

Carol Danvers does not have an interesting story in the least. 

Ms Marvel was created as masturbation material for fourteen year old boys. 

Don't believe me?

\
No denying it, this is drastically better than the current version Ms. Marvel.


Carol Danvers was a pilot that accidentally crashed into the real (Mar-Vell) Captain Marvel and gained her powers from that.  That is an incredibly lazy and self entitled way for someone to become the most powerful being on Earth.  Prepare yourself for a shock, SJWs love the idea.

It sucks as a backstory and she sucks as a character but when the SJWs converged upon poor helpless Marvel they decided they had to make her the chief hero of their universe.  They grabbed Ms. Marvel, chopped her hair off, hacked her tits away and made her look like a fourteen year old boy who is trying to win his hippy mother's attention by declaring he is now a Trans.

Carl Manvers is my deadname, stop using it

 Mostly because they are terrible writers and hideous human beings who are under the bizarre impression they have a captive audience that can't just walk away from their hopelessly feeble garbage. 

And now the SJW hivemind (after having utterly destroyed Star Wars) is moving in on the Marvel Cinematic Universe.  They are going to start with Captain Marvel and after that makes vaguely acceptable money, move on to inflicting the Ms Muslim-vel on us.  Milo Morales is already  the new and improved Spiderman on Disney cable.  Eventually, Jennifer Lawrence will be cast as Thor and down the drain it will go from there on out.

For what little it's worth I am positive that SJW Marvel will have collapsed the entire film industry before we get to Lena Dunham as Squirrel Girl...

...Which is kind of a pity. 






The only heroics on display here are by Samual L.Jackson who will be carrying this entire movie by himself.





*And I am not claiming it does for an instant.

**Not a parody, this was real.  It happened.  Just accept it.

6 comments:

Mr.MantraMan said...

I'm thinking they need to go with white villian with a hint of gayness about him.

cavalier973 said...

Only if he has a British accent. British accents give everyone the creeps.

cavalier973 said...

You kniw what superpower I wish I had?

The ability to reach through time and space to literally slap the stupid out of people.

Mr. Bee said...

I have been waiting for what seems like a decade for the Zombie thing to finally get over. Now we've got the powerful "wahman can do anything so shut up you male haters" thing that's going forever and I'm starting to miss the zombies.

Bradford Walker said...

SJWs are literally cheering killing off a real character and replacing it with one of their shit-tier knockoffs. Art mirrors life.

bob kuk mando ( everything has Consequences. that what makes them Consequences ) said...

Carol Danvers is a fighter pilot ... who does a Hultgreen-Curie into a UFO?

and after demonstrating her thorough incompetence ... is modified, changed and upgraded THROUGH NO EFFORT, LEARNING OR ABILITY OF HER OWN, by the Kree, to be one of the most powerful entities in the universe?

sounds like the typical non-story, non-plot, non-arc of the normal Whamens character.