Friday, December 15, 2017

Cataline Does NOT Recommend: Star Wars: The Last Jedi

This one sucked, don't see it.

I could end my review there but I suppose you want a little bit more than that.

I intend to deliver many, many spoilers in this review because the producers of this heap of shit have gone to some lengths to destroy a favorite of my childhood.  I can't believe I'm fucking saying this but, "George Lucas, all is forgiven!  Come back to us, I beg you!"

This was a cavalcade of boring, cliched awfulness in every way available to it.  I'm not saying that because I'm a contrarian Alt Right asshole.  I'm saying that because every word of that is true.

A couple of days ago a commenter Shitlord Numéro Uno said...

Wait, so you think the force awakens is a good movie? Holy dear God.

Compared to this, it absolutely is.  This is the first of the fully SJW Converged Star Wars movies.  Force Awakens just tried to score some Diversity Points here and there. But Last Jedi positively panders to the SJWs.  From the Body Positive Asian Chick.  The lectures on social inequality on Rich People Planet.  To Benicio del Toro's monologue that was heavy on nihilist equivocation   This movie turned around, bent over for the SJWs and announced that Star Wars was open for business.  Upside this surrender to all things SJW, guaranteed that critics would prostitute themselves and give it positive reviews...  And they did but we'll get to that at the end of this article.

The Last Jedi will make money but I would be shocked if it doesn't kill the franchise in the end. The fanbois are over-committed to Star Wars and will try  to convince themselves that it doesn't suck and will have to pretend that it was really important that Star Wars hands out boring ass lectures for the price of admission.  However, for the rest of us, the backlash over Last Jedi will make the one over Force Awakens look like a case of very mild buyer's remorse.

The writing is incredibly weak.  The tone is inconsistent.  It's boring as hell for the most part and all of the mysteries set up in the last movie got swept under the carpet.

Lets take a look at it, shall we?

It starts out with a the standard title crawl.  The First Order has taken over the Galaxy.  The RESISTANCE  (yes it was in all caps) is fighting a retreat action.  The Empire The First Order has tracked them down to their base and they are about to try and escape.

My reaction:  Holy shit! They really are going to make a beat for beat remake of Empire.  I can already picture it. 

They are about to freeze Po in carbonite. 

 Finn finally works up the courage to express his true feelings for Po and says, "I love you.

Po meets his gaze and yells, "WHAT?!?!"*

The first character we see is played by Carrie Fisher's daughter who I recognize from American Horror Story.  I don't remember her name and it doesn't really matter as she is just a feminist Bridge Bunny in this one.  She reads computer screens a lot, looks concerned all the time and gets more screen time than an extra deserves, which is what she is.  But she at least sets the initial tone.

Which is shattered completely when Po confronts the First Order's battlefleet in a single fighter and asks to speak to General Hux.  Hux gets on the horn with him and Po pretends he can't hear him.  We are now in comedy mode.  Pick a tone and stick with it guys. Anyway, Po's diversion is successful but then against orders, Po leads an attack that destroys a First Order Capital ship but loses quite a few rebel fighters and all of their bombers  in the process.  Given how tiny this rebellion apparently is, this probably is a net victory for the First Order.  He is demoted for this by Carrie Fisher.

So my favorite new character from the last movie, Po Dameron, was turned into a useless comedy-relief-asshole in this movie.  He does a little fighter stuff and then spends the rest of the movie getting in everyone's face because he's in the right.  Except that it turns out he isn't. When Princess Leia is critically injured (more on that in a minute) the #RESISTANCE gets a Tumblrina bungee-boss admiral.  She acts like she doesn't have a plan and won't let Po try his so he steps into an apparent leadership vacuum and leads a mutiny that get quashed but no worries.  There was a plan after all.  Admiral Tublrina was keeping it all to herself for no apparent reason whatsoever.  But my point is this after the opening battle nothing Po did advanced the plot.  His story a lot of flash and thunder that signified nothing.  After the first five minutes, nothing Po did mattered but he was all over the rest of the film because fan-service.  You can afford to do something like this in a TV show because you need filler when you have that much time on your hands but a movie has to have a focused plot.  This was weak and amateurish.

Moving on.  Finn wakes up but frankly he may as well have stayed asleep.  His plot line does nothing to advance the story either.  The only thing he is there for, is to give the movie lots and lots of SJW diversity points. This is the very first Star Wars movie where the SJWs really got ahold of the microphone and Finn was their mouthpiece.  This was another failure of Rian Johnson.  Half of what the audience showed up for was the continuing bromantic adventures of  Finn and Po.  Instead they got Finn and the preachy fat chick.

Moving on. The #RESISTANCE fleet jumps to hyper-space.  But amazingly the First Order fleet manages to pursue them.  There must be some kind of tracking MacGuffin aboard, which they never bother to try and find.  Instead they come up with a cockamamie plan wherein Finn will fly to Rich People Planet with his new friend a diversity points friendly fat Asian chick. There they lecture the audience about space privilege and seek out a hacker who can bring down the tracking MacGuffin on the First Order's flag ship long enough for the #RESISTANCE to escape.  This will come to absolutely nothing, as the hacker they hire sells them out at the last second.  No wait it does give Finn a chance to kill Captain Phasma when it's time to escape.  Which he does.  And that is pretty much Chrome Brienne's only appearance.  She crawled out of the garbage dumpster long enough to get killed. She really was the new Bobba Fett. Goodbye fan favorite!

This was the first Star Wars movie that was actually boring.   I'm serious, it was dull as ditch water for about three quarters of the movie.  When it wasn't lecturing you on #privilege.  It was watching Rey stump around after Crabby Luke begging him to come back with her and possibly train her.  Although as far as I can tell Jedi training remains pretty damned brief.  In Empire Luke picked up just about everything he needed to know in a couple of days.  Rey is no different.  Luke gave her exactly Three Lessons. He numbered them and everything and that was all she needed to know before heading out to take on Lord Snoke.

There was a lot of questions about who is Lord Snoke?  Is he the Darth Plagerous that was referred to in Revenge of the Sith.  Is he the blind Jedi in Star Wars Rebels? (*that one was so out there I had to look it up*)  Is he Darth Bane (*who was in the now abandoned expanded universe canon so that seemed pretty damned unlikely*)?  The answer is.. Who the Fuck Knows?  Because Kylo Ren kills him and takes over.  We never found out who Lord Snoke was, where he came from or how he got so powerful. Rian Johnson apparently decided the less said, the better and so they said nothing.

Also, while we are on the subject of disappointments the only thing we find out about Rey's parents is... that the writer couldn't think of anything to do with this plot line either.  So her parents turned out to be, "just junkers who sold you for drinking money."  So all of Rey's mysterious talents?  Just chance.  Apparently the universe needed to balance out the power of Kylo Ren so they picked her at random.  Fucking lazy to be certain but it's probably better than anything that was going to emerge from JJ Abrams Mystery Box. This one I am actually willing to let slide because if she wasn't Luke's daughter or sex changed clone of Darth Vader then she had to be a nobody.

Lets see what else can I ruin?

Oh yeah the ending.  Luke dies at the end.

Now  I will grant that there is some stuff that I might have missed here because this is the very first Star Wars movie I've ever walked out of.  But I do remember Luke dying.  But you shouldn't worry about that because Luke Skywalker was not in this movie.  I mean there is a guy in this flick called Luke Skywalker and he's played by Mark Hamill but he is not Luke Skywalker. All of Luke's behavior and motivations were completely absent in this movie.   Johnson couldn't have missed the character of Luke more if they tried... Which I think he did.  Luke Skywalker was a hero and SJWs hate heroes.  What made things really bad is that there was one scene where the old Luke was suddenly present.  It was when he was talking to R2 aboard the Falcon.  And then Real Luke is gone and replaced with Crabby Luke again.  This is the most ham handed butchering of a beloved character since Kirk fell off the ladder.

Oh, BTW Rey and Finn had another "friend hug" at the end as a sort of reunion thing.  Although now Finn has the Curvy and Proud Asian as a side piece so I don't know what will happen there.

Was there anything at all I liked about it?

I will give a grudging nod to Rylo.  Rey and Kylo had telepathic connections at inexplicable intervals and talked to each other.  There was intimacy but no real indication of sexual love.  The problem there being the filmmaker wussed out on creating a genuine romance between the two of them.  Again a good little build up that led to absolutely nothing.

That is it for the good stuff.

Say what you will about the Force Awakens, it felt like a Star Wars movie.  Last Jedi does not.

So in a nutshell.  The rebels got pounded.  Finn didn't confess his love to Po but got kissed by a fat chick. Snoke got killed without revealing his secret identity, Rylo had a failure to start.  SJW writers got to preach at the audience about privilege and stuff.  Benicio del Toro phoned in the weakest performance of his career as "the Hacker" and is clearly desperate to get back to the Marvelverse.  Luke died, then he didn't, then he defiently did because he did that whole Jedi vanishing when you die thing. The rebels live to fight another day.  And I beat the crowd to the parking lot before the credits rolled.

Just so we are really clear here.  This movie sucked and it ain't just Cataline say'in it.

Here's the score card from Rotten Tomatoes.  Pay close mind to the difference between the reviewer's and audience's score.

UPDATE:  Audience score is now down to 56%.  Will the Last Jedi get below 50?

FINAL UPDATE: Yes it did.  RottenTomatoes stopped updating at an Audience Score  49%.

*Apologies to RLM, I had thought that was an original joke.  You appear to have beaten me to it.




Blake said...

I agree with most of what you said, but i still ended up enjoying it. Perhaps my expectations were low because of the previous movie.

I thought the scenes between Rey and Kylo Ren were the best part of the movie, as they tried to sway each other with hand-holding and back to back light saber fighting. Their relationship could go anywhere, but the cynic in me doubts the next movie will take full advantage of that.

Snoke's death was amusing, but kind of weak. Did you like the fight scenes?

Johnny said...

The audience score over at Rottentomatoes is %56 like. Wow! Really terrible for a major series. And along with the cost of the movie, Disney has a gazillion dollars stuck in the franchise. Maybe it is dead. Hollywood can do a really fabulous job and sometimes they do. And yet at times they turn out movies like this.

I am a sucker for visuals, if they are nicely done I like movies that appeal to children, and got off big time in the original Star Wars. Down a little for the next one, and then down and down to where they are now. PC correctness is what you do to avoid hassles, but when they get into true SJW stuff it seems to clog up the brain.

Kentucky Headhunter said...

Curious as to what the people at RT think when posting a 93% fresh rating while the audience rates it 56%. Seems like there should be an asterix or something when the opinions diverge that much.

ghostfromplanetspook said...

It felt like watching a friend die.

Pax_Romana said...

I saw it opening night; first movie I've seen in theaters since Independence Day 2. Apparently my selection of movies to see is...not great. I remember laughing my ASS off in a silent theater when Leia came back from dead in the vacuum of God-damned space.

I remember laughing my ass off when Black Coward and Fat Asian declared it was worth dying (and abandoning their friends to die) because they pissed off some rich people.

I remember thinking, "The Snoke think would pay off IF and only IF Rey turned evil and joined Kylo." Nope.

I remember thinking towards the end, "Oh good, Black Coward has the chance to redeem his whiny cowardice of the last two movies by dying for the Rebels...only to have Fat Asian rob him of his chance to go out a hero." Which, by the way, had Luke not intervened, Fat Asian would have doomed everyone.

Instead, the movie sucked. Had the same poor attempts at comedy as every big movie of the last 5 years. Tone was shit. Luke had a chance at redemption a few times, and the writers went and fouled it up.

Thanks, J. said...

"I enjoyed seeing it."

So. A funny stupid pet video or porn can be enjoyable. Jesus people, STANDARDS for God sakes.

rcocean said...

I'm not surprised. Lucas created Star Wars and yet his 3 prequels were crap. What were the chances that Disney execs - who are motivated purely by $$$ and Left-wing politics were going to improve the Franchise?

About zero.

Almost every great movie and every great series comes about partly by genius and partly by accident. The sequels try to capture the original magic but fail 90% of the time. The more sequels the less good they are.

Cecil Henry said...

'Weakness manipulated can be a sharp tool' (Ugly anorexic Sith Lord guy)

Yes indeed, that's why they push diversity.

In this movie, in the West.

The last 2 episodes just recycle the same situations and themes in different costumes, and add an SJW political agenda underneath everything that is both incredibly offensive, cringe worthy and forced. There has been a LOT of diversity hires at both the Rebel Alliance AND the Dark Side. I guess affirmative action really pays these days.

The movie is just sweetened FILLER for SJW messages. All 'entertainment' is NOW. Its so OBVIOUS.

If they could see how this movie looks to the red pilled, they would shudder at how despicable they have made themselves.

Is it a bug or a feature that all Empire (aka 'First Order') offers receive elite British school training in diction???

Very talented CGI though: I hope the REbel humans survive--- but I sure hope the 'REpublic' is finally laid to rest.

Uncle Max said...

Brian C review from RT dated 12-16 is... epic. his goes well with your screed. ~

~How in the love of Judas Priest did professional film critics give this movie a 93% Fresh rating? Disney must have bought out those positive critic ratings. And yes, this review contains spoilers, because this movie must be spoiled. No, you should not waste two hours of your life on this slap in the face of a movie. Save your hard earned money and buy/rent the original trilogy on Blu Ray instead. ~/~

If you like flat and tone deaf, terrible off-putting humor worse than what we saw in TFA that mentally takes you out of the drama of a scene every time, or watching studio hacks butcher your childhood hero's character by having him be a spiteful jaded, murderous, get-off-my-lawn anti-Luke who drinks green gross alien cow milk almost straight from the teet after casually chucking Anakin's legendary blue lightsaber over his shoulder off a cliff without a second thought, love watching princess Leia survive being sucked into the vacuum of space after an explosion by using the force to superman her way through empty space without life support back to an exploded starship, enjoy seeing backstoryless but important characters introduced in the last film be casually and anticlimactically killed off making their existence mostly useless and pointless, and want to find out that despite Jar Jar Abrams and Rian Johnson building up Rey as a Mary Sue SuperSaiyan jedi Rey's big buildup of her parents just is a giant Rickroll circlejerk, and like seeing Yoda's force ghost gleefully and inexplicably light a tree on fire by summoning lightning from the sky, then you will love this movie.

If you loved the prequels and Episode 7 you will adore this movie. If you are a true fan who actually gives a damn about the masterpieces that are the original trilogy then you will absolutely abhor this movie.

bwahahahaa There is much more if you care to look it up.

Emmett Fitz-Hume said...

It was painful. And the thing that added insult to injury (the kick to the groin I felt watching this horse $#/+) is all the missed chances to make it almost great, even given the rubbish it was as a starting point:

1)Rey & Kylo- They could have gone either way and it would have been a daring decision with loads of interesting story potential. Kylo could have joined the Rebels* by Rey’s side. Or Rey could have joined the Empire**. Side by side would have ORIGINAL.

2)They could have thrown some other great twists: Snoke could have been a Palpatine Clone. Palpatine could have been Rey’s father. Or the mother of all twists for Rey, (and the right kind of fan service), Ben Kenobi could have been her grandfather (after his possible affair with the Mandalorian lady in Clone Wars).

3) And this one might have actually redeemed the movie somewhat in one fell swoop: Have Lando MOTHERF@#$&ING Calrissian Be the guy at that casino. I might have actually stood up and cheered.

So much wasted potential just makes the SJW BS so much worse.

Lame, out of place humor. Leia inexplicably using the force like a female space Jesus.

And why the f#$& was C3P0’s arm red in TFA when it wasn’t this time?!?!

*I refuse to say R**********.
**I really, really refuse to say F**** O*****.

Magson said...

When the opening crawl was over I thought "They're going to do a shot-for-shot remake of Empire....."

Ok, fine, it wasn't quite shot-for-shot, but it was pretty damn close. Except done in a bad way. AS i was leaving, I saw a couple of friends who are SJW's (but we don't talk politics, so somehow are still friends after 12 years now) and they were all "OMG, it was so awesome! i have ot see this again, many many times!!!!!" My response was "Seriously? They just did a poor remake of Ep5. Blech."

There's a comedy troupe that released a parody earlier this week of Rey meeting Luke..... or at least, I'm sure they thought it was a parody when they wrote and filmed it, but it ended up being eerily accurate --

daddynichol said...

What? Disney couldn't buy the remaining 7% RT reviewers to make the first ever 100%?

Shitlord Numéro Uno said...

That comment was on my phone, and was brief. The Force Awakens would have been a terrible movie even without any overt SJW bits because the writing and overall story were AWFUL. Just terrible. Not one thing they did in that movie in terms of plot, dialogue or character development was any good. This is not tooting my own horn, but I could have written out a better plot arc and script. If I could have done it, finding better writers should have been a piece of cake.

Now, of course it all comes back to SJWs because this new generation of SJW has proven themselves incapable of good writing. My theory as to why? To write anything even halfway good you need a solid working knowledge of human nature. SJWs follow a neo-Marxist hyper Trotskyite ideology -- as an aside, if there was one good thing Stalin did, it was exiling Trotsky -- that is completely divorced from human nature in every way. They can't write good characters or dialogue because their belief structure is so skewed that everything they write is nonsensical at a deep level and thus most people can't identify with it.

You saw that in Awakens. Characters simply acted in ways which didn't make any fucking sense considering their backgrounds or circumstances. This violates what, in my opinion, is the first precept of writing good sci fi or fantasy - Once the audience suspends disbelief and accepts your different world with different rules, you can't stretch it further by having things happen which don't make sense considering the rules that you've laid out and the audience has agreed to. Even more importantly, the characters have to act in a way that makes sense considering these rules and the circumstances of the character.

One small example: In the Star Wars universe, it was repeatedly laid out and accepted that, even for the highly talented, mastering the Force requires work, time, and sacrifice. Neither Luke nor Anakin started out knowing much, and Anakin was Force Jesus. They both had to learn. Luke in particular was portrayed as a clueless dipshit 18 year old kid at the start, and matures over three movies (themselves separated by several years of in-world time) into a Jedi. He doesn't get called a Jedi until the third movie.

Rey, on the other hand, knows how to do everything already. She sprang fully formed from the head of Zeus. Not only does this make any character development or audience buy-in impossible, it breaks the covenant I described above and also makes no sense in terms of general storytelling. I mean, Jesus, SHE BEAT THE FUCKING BAD GUY in the first movie with no training. What is there to overcome? WHERE'S THE FUCKING TENSION? Awakens had none.

The first movies, for all their flaws, were created by an entrepreneur, an actual man, who understood that skill takes time, work, and sacrifice. SJWs don't understand this, hence their talk of privilege. They truly don't understand how things get done, or built.

This is only the tip of the iceberg in terms of what I found wrong with Awakens. When I saw that god-awful piece of shit I mentally walked Star Wars Lassie into the back yard of my mind and put a bullet in its fucking head. I haven't seen the next two movies and it seems I haven't missed anything.

Unknown said...

Star Wars was a big part of my life as a kid. It had huge influences, overtly and subconsciously, I joined the service, went to an academy (wanted to be an X wing, sorry, F 18 pilot, but my eyesight failed me), trained crazy hard in martial arts for the last thirty plus years. I was also from a small farm town in the outer rim, uh near the Canadian border out west. When the prequels came out, the first one filled me with a lot of excitement. Sure, there were the Jar Jar Binks and his nation (the "comedy relief" just wasn't), but you had a pretty good soundtrack with an epic villain and an epic lightsaber battle. But then along came II and III, with Hayden Christiansen. WTF, and WhoTF cast that guy? But when TFA came out, I had a lot of that same excitement. New characters, sure the diversity BS, but Finn and Poe were likeable enough, Rey wasn't too bad. Kylo Ren was a little too Dark Helmet for me, when he would take off his helmet, his voice changed so much. The biggest disappointment was killing off Han Solo.
So we get TLJ, with whiny no stones Luke, whining about how haaarrrdd life is. You get these "lean in" type women who don't do much. The SJW agenda and Luke dies. Of course, Leia dies too because, well, you know. So, I can't help but feel that part of the SJW agenda is killing off the old heroes. After all, not only can SJWs not have heroes, but you certainly can't have white male heroes. I mean, consider Luke, he comes from the Star Wars equivalent of fly over country, from a family farm. You can't have a rural farm kid become the most important hero in the galaxy, he didn't go to the Star Wars equivalent of Yale or Harvard, sure, the can swing a lightsaber but no way does he posess the skills to run an organization like the Rebel Alliance.
So yeah, the franchise is dead.