Wednesday, December 13, 2017

George Lucas and the Cannibal Slave Princesses of Disney

It's Star Wars Week at the Dark Herald which should culminate in my review of the Last Jedi either Friday or Saturday.  In the meantime enjoy this blast from the past.


"Gordon Way wondered how his business was going to do without him.  He didn't like either answer he came up with."  Paraphrased from Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency because I can't find my copy anywhere.

Okay, no real proof that they are cannibals
I admit that.  Thats a thing.
Also.  Is the one right Ariel?
I'm guessing here.

In a completely predictable reaction to the massively record breaking critical and commercial success of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, George Lucas is bitching like the queen bitch of Bitch Mountain.

George Lucas spoke about everything from his and Disney's branching vision to the deal itself. Lucas, who has always been protective of his series and even refers to them as his "kids," hasn't been looking back well on the deal with Disney (via Collider).

"I sold them to the white slavers that takes these things, and...," Lucas said before laughing and deciding it better not to finish.

The father of "Star Wars" also opened up about why he and Disney were split on their decisions for the franchise's future.

"They looked at the stories, and they said, 'We want to make something for the fans,'" Lucas said. "They decided they didn't want to use those stories, they decided they were going to do their own thing. ... They weren't that keen to have me involved anyway -- but if I get in there, I'm just going to cause trouble, because they're not going to do what I want them to do. And I don't have the control to do that anymore, and all I would do is muck everything up," he said. "And so I said, 'OK, I will go my way, and I'll let them go their way.'"

The last FOUR Star Wars movies were bad in every possible way available to them.  Yes I do in fact include Return of the Jedi in the parade of suck that is the post Empire Strikes Back, Star Wars universe.

According to several film scholars, he didn't have that much to do with the first Star Wars movie after it was in the can.  The studio took the final cut out of his hands and saved that one in editing.

He had almost nothing to do with the best of the films; The Empire Strikes Back. Even Lucas admits that he basically handed over the reins on that one.

Return of the Jedi sucked but due to the limitations of film technology it didn't suck anywhere near as bad as Lucas wanted it to.

Then came the creeping incompetent horror of the prequels.

George Lucas is like the Milli Vanilli of Star Wars, he was found out to be fraud years ago but claims to this day he could sing as well as the artists he was taking credit for.

Do you want to see the truest reflection of Lucas' talent.  I'll show it to you right now.

Yes Lucas does indeed disown this one.  But when you compare it to the Prequals a number of patterns of ineptitude begin to make themselves apparent.

This is not an unfair comparison
George Lucas's vision for Wookie Public Housing
Didn't change much for thirty years.

He owns the Christmas Special even if Bea Arthur is in it.  His ideas are obvious.  To include the introduction of Bobba Fett whom no one on Earth had heard of before that stupid show.

Yes, Bobba Fett first showed up 
riding a swamp dinosaur.
He milked that intro for decades
And never lived up to it.

His next big project was recutting the original trilogy with a few new special effects.  This in fact was the real Phantom Menace.  The Special Editions were a warning shot.  He used the best technology of his day to make the previous films just a bit worse.

Then came the rolling disaster of the Preqeuls. 

George Lucas was also powerful enough to banish anyone who could threaten his delusion bubble.
He did this by the usual trick of surrounding himself with yes-men.  And on top that, paying actors to say to how brilliant he was.   If you ever dig through the Special Features interviews of the Prequals you can find the inadvertent but tragically hilarious comedy gold of his cast members trying desperately to come up with something positive to say about the movies that didn't involve special effects.

The basic problem with the prequals is pretty much everything.  They were an utterly incompetent attempt at story telling by a guy who liked to pretend he was the Tolkein of science fiction.

After the prequals were in the can and ruining childhood memories.  Lucas was at a loss.  He tried messing up the original films some more and only succeeded in making them even worse than they had been getting.  Everyone laughed at him and thanks to the internet he could no longer hide himself.he didn't like that.

He tried messing up Lucasarts software and successfully derailed advanced projects with just a few well placed demands.

Make that guy Bobba Fett!

Bobba Fett fixes everything.

He decided to step away from Star Wars for a bit and took a swing at improving  Indiana Jones.  I think we all remember how that worked out.

That film made three quarters of a billion world wide so there was still blood to be squeezed from those stones and yet something seemed to be broken after that.

Lucas could buy his percentage by retreading and shredding the works of his youth.  That was easy for him to do.  No trouble there at all.  But he simply could not buy the thing that he craved the most...


So he finally gave up and sold out for one final time in the biggest sell out of his life.  Lucasfilm was sold to Disney for billions.

And then the worst thing that could have happened to George Lucas finally happened.  Someone made a good Star Wars movie.


Jew613 said...

I'm pretty sure the one on the right is Pocahontas. Her dress has tassels and it has a vaguely buckskin look to it. But who is the one second from the right?

Cataline Sergius said...

I'm guessing here but I think that's Mulan but only because she's Asian.

I'm pretty sure the one you identified as Pocahontas is in fact Jasmine because of the hairstyle.

Mr. Bee said...

I thought Lucas lost it by "Return of the Jedi", precisely the point when the Ewoks arrived on the screen. That being said, give him credit over the present effects uber alles mediocre simulation of SWs for

1. Not making Luke a "Mary Sue" character.
2. More or less keeping the underlying child like innocence of the first movie.
3. Introducing racial and sexual diversity without sticking it in the viewer's face.

Shitlord Numéro Uno said...

Wait, so you think the force awakens is a good movie? Holy dear God.

((( bob kek mando ))) - ( the Original Militant Apathist ) said...

it's not a complete embarrassment like the the prequels. there are parts of it that are not awful and cringeworthy.

but all the not awful and not cringeworthy stuff was stolen from ep4-6.

so it's way more efficient to just re-watch the original trilogy.