Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Indy Sue and the Mystery of the Boxoffice Crater



There are times when you can only guess about what our Father's plan for you is and there are other times that you know you are being Led.

As a massive for instance, I had, after duly and thoroughly examining the wreckage of Dark Winter: The Great Divide Game,  decided on my next project.  A series of books (because series fiction is hot right now) reminiscent of the adventures of Indiana Jones.

I'd just begun sketching out this project when I read this:

Steven Spielberg is planning to start shooting the untitled fifth Indiana Jones movie for Disney in the U.K. in a little more than a year.

He made the disclosure Sunday night at the Rakuten TV Empire Awards, where he was on stage to receive a Legend of Our Lifetime award and spoke about his collaborators from the British film industry. The event was held at the Roundhouse in London.

...

I was doing handstands.

Kathleen Kennedy is producing so you already know this is going to be a hot, stinking, raging feminist dumpster fire of a movie. 

Don't believe me? Then read this:

“Thank you Time’s Up,” he said. “We were very much on board from the very beginning, my wife Kate and I. This is more important than any of us can ever really realize. I think in 10 years we’ll look back and realize what a watershed moment we are all experiencing together, 2017 to 2018. It’s extraordinary what’s happening right now. The fact that women who have had no representation and have not been able to find the support or the courage to step forward, now they will have representation and they will have the support. Time’s Up means it’s time up. This is it. This is the end of the way things were, it will never be that way again hopefully.”


Harrison Ford will be 78 when this wet turd splashes it's way into theaters.  Hey, I admire the way the guy is keeping it together at his age but there is no way in hell he is going to be doing his own stunts.  

Which means somebody else is going to be hired to do the action scenes.  Ten years ago that was supposed to be an heir-apparent named "Mutt" who we were all disappointed to learn was Indiana Jone's son.  But I am willing to bet and more importantly even payup that "Mutt" is going to be swept under the carpet given that Shia LaBeouf's career has cratered.  Also nobody really wants to be reminded of anything that happened in Indiana Jones and the Stupid Alien Skull Thing.  So one or two mentions about Mutt being a professor at some other college far away from Indy and that will be that for him. A CisHetWhiteboi is completely unacceptable to play a "reimagined" hero these days.

You know what they are going to do, don't you?  That's right, it's going to be a kick-ass grrrl hero who always does everything right.  Call her, "Indy Sue."  I can already see Jones gawping in amazement at how much better she is at everything than he is.   Why she's only twenty one but she knows w-a-a-a-y more about archaeology than he does.  And look how she uses his whip! She is already a spectacular expert in it's use just by picking it up.  At the end of the movie she will put on the Indy Hat and walk off into the sunset absolutely self assured in her intrinsic superiority leaving old Indy and his audience to gracefully bow out.

Make no mistake, this is a Kathleen Kennedy production so I am one hundred percent positive that this movie is going to shit all over the fans of the series.

And I couldn't be happier.  One of the big reason that Cole and Anspach's Galaxy's Edge series blew the doors off was because is launched right before The Last Jedi piss off  literally half of  Star Wars' fanbase.

I am leaping into the Jackson Strange project with the kind of confidence that only comes from having been given a Sign.

The Adventures of Jackson Stange
Coming to you when I have a more solid date for Indy 5's release on an unsuspecting world



14 comments:

Johnny said...

Not that I am down on him and he had a great career, but Harrison Ford is seriously old. More of a mental than a physical problem. Just not that sharp and it shows. Really not up to any more than a cameo role, which is what he had in Blade Runner 2049.

Emmett Fitz-Hume said...

Jackson Strange is a great name. Nice work.

I can see them showing Indy Sue's superior archaeological knowledge through the prism of Historical Revision. I can see shades of Howard Zinn's BS rearing its head when Indy Sue lectures her old dad about his quaint old ways and knowledge.

Jon Mollison said...

I'm all in on Jackson Strange. Can't wait to read it.

Tamaqua said...

And you just know that somehow they will make the villains a proxy for Trump and normal America.

bob kek mando - ( I love the smell of Autism on the internet. It smells like ... victoREEEEEEEEE ) said...

you know that Danica's birth name is "Danica Sue Patrick", right?

it's going to be hilarious to compare Aric Almirola's results at the end of the 2018 season to Danica Sue's from 2017.

Jew613 said...

Spielberg is directing ready player one. If that bombs, and I'm not impressed by the trailer 80's nostalgia and lots of CGI, I think it's the beginning of the end of his career directing blockbusters.

Cataline Sergius said...

@ Jew613

Truth be told, I think Spielberg is washed up. He'd been on the Oscar track for so long he'd forgotten how to make a good popcorn burner when Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was made. And that was ten years ago.

The fact that Ready Player One is being released in the Spring lets you know just how much confidence the studio has in it.

Jew613 said...

Crystal skull was awful particularly after last crusade ended the series so well.

Spielberg better pray Ready Player One is a hit as the budget is supposedly 175 million. Studios will forgive floods that lose 10 or 20 million, 175 down the toilet and heads roll.

Chris Lutz said...

I think "Ready Player One" is doomed. It simply looks bad and the concept is pedestrian. Most artistic people have a certain outlook that when it matches the current zeitgeist it leads to riches and fame. Once that time passes, they fall out of favor. Speilberg's time is over.

Wynn Lloyd said...

We can look forward to the articles lamenting the failure of this film. Those are always enjoyable.

L. Beau said...

Indy 5 with aged Harrison Ford? Oh, why can't some movie franchises die with dignity?

Cataline Sergius said...

@Chris Lutz

Spielberg is flailing. BFG was a BFB (the second B standing for Bomb). He's had failures before but they were all comedies. This is the first time he's ever tanked captaining a kid's flick. I can practically hear him yelling, "well what do kids want now? What's hot?" The answer is RPG lit books and he made the mistake of going with Ready Player One instead of Sodapop Solider.

@Wynn Lloyd already on it.

@L. Beau

Blame Harrison Ford.

Right after Guardians of the Galaxy came out there was serious talk about a new Indy movie starring Chris Pratt. And Ford's phone didn't ring once, neither did Speilberg's or Lucas'. All of them were butt hurt about it. And then came the success of The Force Awakens and Ford could swing his weight around again.

It will be a disaster and I shall feast upon it.

Uncle John's Band said...

There isn't even a fig leaf. They're systematically erasing cultural icons because they can. The malevolence is wide open.

The silver lining is that the Hollywood of yore that built the icons wasn't exactly a beacon of virtue. The irony is that a cleansing is needed.

Uncle John's Band said...

I like "Indy Sue" a lot, by the way.