Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Disney Destroys Everything

I personally, thought this was funny as hell.  Lady Cataline on the other hand couldn't stand it.

I wasn't going to ask her why she hated it. She either likes stuff or she doesn't but this time she said, "Do you know why I hate this so much?"

I invited her to expound.

"Let's take the Chronicles of Narnia for instance," she said.

A bit of a sudden gear shift but I blinked hard and then nodded.

"Beloved childhood classic," she continued.  "Still the same as it's ever been because Lewis' stepson loved the man and respected his work but let's say he loses control of it. And... Disney buys it up."

I shuddered in revulsion and terror at the very idea.

Lady Cataline then nodded, "It doesn't start out too badly.  Let's say it starts an adventure with the children of the cabinet maker who turned the wood from the Narnia Tree in the Magician's Nephew into 'The Wardrobe'.  They expand on the background of the Seven Isles."

"Okay," I said.

"It turns out that the Seven Isles have a dark past.  They were instrumental in the slaving raids that Narnia conducted on the completely innocent Calormen Empire, (a center of education, music, learning and medicine."

"Uh," I said brilliantly.

"The ongoing war with Calormen was always Narnia's fault.  And so Caspian's great grandson Peter II invites any and all Calormen who wish immigrate to Narnia to do so and presides at the opening of the first Tash Mosque in Narnia."

"Okay, I get it," I said.

"Next story," Lady Cataline pressed on.  "After her family is killed (*uh...spoiler alert?*) A heart broken Susan gets an invitation to Lancre University which is where the graduates of Hogwarts go. There she falls in love with a black Calormen transgender lesbian there on an extra dimensional exchange program.  The love of her life is killed when Voldemort's rebellion first breaks out and in rage she dies giving birth to the first dementor. She rises from the dead and after that she is "Susan, Mother of Dementors".

"Is that what they call Oxford in the Potterverse?" I ask.

"Rowling didn't say what it was called," Lady Cataline replied "but she liked to ripoff Pratchatt."

"And quite a few others.  Go on."
"The next book returns to Narnia.  Some of Susan's "children" find the rings from the Magician's Nephew and return to Narnia.  It turns out that Aslan's Father is an insane babbling idiot god but not in a fun way.   Aslan has been covering for him all along which is why we never saw 'the Emperor'.  The churches of Aslan are torn down and first a wedding between a noble Calorman prince and transgendered tree is conducted upon the ruins.

"Finally Disney decides the original books are no longer canon and stops publishing them altogether.  Chronicles of Narnia the Special Edition are the only books you can legally find after that."

I finally understood.  All I could do was hold her.

So I did.

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