Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Worst and Best Movies of 2016...A Completely Arbitrary List

It's that time of the year again...for the first time actually...but anyway, Cataline's picks for best and worst Movies of 2016.  This list is incredibly arbitrary as it's limited to films I've seen.

I am pretty much pulling these two bullet points out of my butt.

First. The worst film of 2016.

I know what you're thinking and you're wrong.  Ghostbusters while a terrible movie really isn't the one that I've hated the most in 2016.

That honor goes to...(*drum roll*)...

Sausage Party

No. Question.

I am learning to loath Seth Rogen. Which is a pity because I honestly liked some of his earlier works.  Knocked Up, was a coming of age story about a guy who turns his life pot soaked life around when he inexplicably nails Katherine Hegel and hits paydirt. He learns to take responsibility and tries to become a good father. Green Hornet was the story of a poor little rich boy who is trying to make his life mean something and he was willing to take a beating to do it.  I picked these two because Rogen had direct creative input on them just as he did with Sausage Party.  Mostly they seemed of speak of a young man who wanted to end his prolonged childhood and move forward with the journey into manhood.

Seth is 34 now.  The journey appears to be over.

The truth is he is never going to chug ahead in this world if he doesn't give up the gargantuan bales of pot he inhales on a daily basis.  But he has surrounded himself with people who have assured him constantly that there are no down sides to Marijuana  and he has obviously listened to them.

The guys at Red Letter Media nailed it.  Sausage Party would have made for a really funny fake trailer movie.  The problem is that every cell of  Rogen's body is now so drenched in tetrahydrocannabinol that he went ahead and made the fucking movie.  Anyone with an once of common sense would have said don't do it but he works  at Sony and  lets face it there is no one like that there.


The same people who thought this was a great idea, green lit Sausage Party?
That's unpossible!


The quality of the animation is shit, which isn't a surprise as turns out that Rogen's production company allegedly chiseled the hell out of the animators for their work.  But don't worry he and his on-camera-talent friends all got paid.  That happened.

Now lets get to the stupid plot.  Spoilers ahead but don't worry I'm not spoiling shit.  Premise; food has feelings and is sentient.  It isn't too hard to make a guess about the creative process involved with this flick.    Okay, so naturally food was frightened of being seared, boiled, broiled or just masticated raw, so the Imperishables (i.e. a bottle of whiskey (Indian ethnic slur provided at no extra charge), a Twinkee (completely predictable gay joke included)) came up with a fake religion wherein food that is chosen by the shoppers ascend to heaven. Basically, the Imperishables  were tired of all the screaming so they launched a massive fraud to keep everyone calm.  This is the wisdom of atheism in  a nutshell.

There was some controversy regarding racial stereotyping which is the only reason I had Netflix send this to me in the first place.  I'm in the #AltRight but this movie managed to offend even me and borderline racism is supposed to be my comfort zone.

sigh.  Okay back to the plot that I mean to ruin for you.  There is a weird romance going on between one of the hotdogs and one of the buns.   Okay, the hotdog buns are really weird, their mouths look for all the world like talking va-jay-jays.  Again, Seth and his drugs or possibly the hatred of the animators for their boss, I dunno.  So the Seth-sausage wants to insert himself into the bun in every sexual way possible but they are resisting their sinful urges because fat drug addled Canadians from Vancouver are way more evolved than small town Americans.  I'll allow that since it makes as much sense as anything else in this movie.

We are also introduced to our antagonist who is literally a douche.  This was almost funny...briefly.  There is an accident with shopping carts and a lot of food hits the floor. They wander about in a confused state that doesn't have anything to do with drugs for  a change but that is soon corrected.  Anyway Seth-Sausage, his bun girlfriend, a bagel and a single of sheet Arab Flatbread set off on some dumbass vision quest.  Seth-Sausage meets the Imperishablables and discovers the truth that his religion is a lie by getting stoned as fuck of course.  He sets out to tell the rest of the food The Truth.

It's intellectually lazy but if you were expecting a lot from this movie you are doing way harder stuff than Seth is.  Anyway some plot filler happens and then the food successfully kills the humans and takes over their store.  They then hold an orgy that recalls the later and less fortunate works of Robert Heinlein while removing what little doubt I had that Rogen and Jonah Hill like to get fucked by dudes now and then.

Rogen and Hill apparently straightened up long enough to realize that this ending was too ridiculous for their few viewers who hadn't torched up a gigantic bowl before coming to see this piece of shit. So the food-things are suddenly informed that they are simply computer animated characters and that they need to travel through some Stargate-rip-off so they can stop this train wreck and roll the credits.

And speaking of audiences that torched up big ol' bowls. To add to my disgust there were plenty of them.  This movie unquestionably made money for Sony.  Possibly enough to off set the Ghostbusters disaster.  

In conclusion, Sausage Party is a drug addled piece of shit the likes of which hasn't been seen since lava lamps were first groovy.

Next

My favorite movie of 2016.  The Witch.

Black Phillip: What dost thou want?

Thomasin: What can'st thou give?

Black Phillip: Wouldst thou like a taste of butter?  A pretty dress?  To see the sights of the world?  These things I can give you.


The Witch is nothing short of masterful.  This is skillful and well crated horror.  Atmospheric, psychological and demonic.

The setting for The Witch is the small farm of a family that has had a major falling out with a puritan community during the late 1690s in America.  While this film is very heavy on the psychological thriller aspect, I am making no spoilers at all when say that there is unquestionably a witch in this movie.  Any plot point revealed in the first five minutes of a movie is fair game and it is made explicitly clear in the first five minutes that there is indeed a witch at the heart of this story.

I really want to do a great job on selling you on this flick but this is one that I am determined not to spoil.  It's on Amazon Prime so give it ten minutes.  You'll know if it's for you or not after that.  There were great pains taken with the dialogue, the clothing, the buildings and tools.  This film was a time machine.  It also featured the most interesting villain I've seen in a long time.  Black Phillip.  I am not anticiapating a series of movies with him you understand or at least I'm hoping there won't be.  In Black Phillip's case, once was enough.  

A taste of butter... A pretty dress... The sights of the world...  The price of damnation is pitifully small.













1 comment:

Kentucky Headhunter said...

I couldn't make it past the first 10 minutes of Sausage Party when it showed up as new on Netflix. I'd heard bad things and after that first song and the joke about "just the tips" I was done. Non-stop cursing and a "religion is stupid" song. I'm out.

Going back to Ghostbusters, which I saw on cable, I didn't think it was awful. Its greatest sin was that it was boring. Boring, boring, boring. There is a quality called "screen presence" which in everyday life is more commonly known as charisma. None of the lead actors save for Hemsworth has any. The writing? Did they know they were supposed to be shooting for a comedy? Effects were Syfy channel monster-movie-of-the-week quality. Pretty sure The Asylum knocked them during lunches one week.