Monday, December 5, 2016

James Taggart Lives...Or...Penzey's Just Made the Black List.

Dear Penzey's Spices

I've been thinking about our future together aaannnd we don't have one.

We had a good thing going for ten years baby but it's over now.  Here is my breakup box.

It's been a good enough run as these things go but I always had a sense one partner was always getting a little bit more out of this relationship, than the other.  

And that side wasn't me.

But hey, lets be honest here, it wasn't like I was completely faithful either.  I had a few side pieces going on here and there.  I'm sorry Penzey's but you just couldn't give me what that sultry, smokey Norwegian salt could.  To say nothing of what that shapely, statuesque salt from Bali brought to the party (*shudders in delightful memories*).  And what happens at Spice of India stays at Spice of India...well there and my kitchen naturally but you get the drift.

Look, Penzey's I'm not telling you these things to hurt you...okay I AM telling you these things to hurt you.   I am really hoping that I am in some small degree I am hurting you as much as you hurt me here.

Because the big  thing about our breakup is, it isn't me...It's you.  It's clearly and obviously...Completely and definitely you.

For those of you not in the know.  Penzeys' Spices is fairly major purveyor of spices, spice mixes, dry rubs and so on.  The company is based in Wisconsin and started out as a mail order business.  About ten years ago they opened a bunch of stores.  Cook's illustrated had recommended them as had Alton Brown.

A while back I had noticed that Alton had dumped Penzey's in favor of their competitor The Spice House.  At the time I thought little of it but now I am wondering if AB knew something about Bill Penzey that I didn't.

This letter from Bill Penzey was polluting my Inbox last week.

Bill Penzey

The open embrace of racism by the Republican Party in this election is now unleashing a wave of ugliness unseen in this country for decades. 

Define "embrace" Bill.  We didn't embrace shit.  You and the vomitable little ass goblins that think and feel like you thrust identity politics upon us whether we wanted them or not.  SJWs like you turned racism from something you "did" to something you "are".

The American people are taking notice. Let’s commit to giving the people a better choice. Our kindness really is our strength. 

(* paragraph edited out due to praise of all the Cuckservatives who bravely voted either Libertarian or for Egg McMuffin...And who now of course claim they voted Trump*)

For the rest of you, you just voted for an openly racist candidate 
for the presidency of the United States of America. 

Fuck you, you fat little Pol Pot.

In your defense, 

I don't need your defense. We are still at, "fuck you," you profoundly condescending needle dicked little cuck faced shit.

most of you did so without thinking of the consequences of your candidate’s racism, 

I assure you, I knew the consequences of my actions without a turbulently wobbling little SJW like yourself telling me what they would be.

because for most of you the heartbreaking destruction racism causes has never been anything you or your loved ones have had to experience. 

Yes, The appalling kind of oppression black people like Bill Penzey suffers from breaks the heart.

The face of the oppressed masses

But the thing is elections have their consequences. This is no longer sixty years ago. 

It ain't 1968 either.  

Whether any of us like it or not, for the next four years the 80% of this country who did not just vote for an openly racist candidate 

80 percent? 80 fucking percent? Good lord, I have been trusting my life to a man whose grasp of basic asthmatic is creative at best.  How the fuck did Trump win with TWENTY percent of the vote?

are going to treat you like you are the kind of person who would vote for an openly racist candidate.

You can get angry at everyone else for treating you like you just did the thing you just did, or you can take responsibility for your actions 

I am. See the above picture of the box.

and begin to make amends. 

This is easily the most Gamma Male sentence I've ever read. This one rates ten out of ten Scalzis.

If you are lucky and younger family members are still coming over for Thanksgiving, 

Fifteen Scalzis. 

 And I wouldn't say you were lucky if these obnoxious, hectoring, lecturing little freeloaders are coming home to lecture you while sucking down the food you bought and complain about it not being "organic, cage-free".

before it’s too late, take a moment and honestly think about how your actions must look through their eyes.

I. Just. Did.

Simply saying “I never thought he’d win” might be enough. 

No. I was the one saying I always thought he'd win. And I butter my bread with your delectable pain.

But if you have the means, leaving a receipt from a sizable donation to the ACLU or the SPLC accidentally laying around where you carve the turkey, might go over even better.

Cataline's note to Cataline; get receipt for renewal of NRA membership.  Leave by Christmas Goose.  

Christmas Goose regrettably quite Organic and exceptionally Cage-Free as I shot it in September. 

End of Letter.

So, as you have worked out by now.  I am never putting another penny in Bill Penzey's pocket.

This does or rather did leave me the problem of who I would be getting quality spices from.

The problem was short lived.  This was drawn to my attention.

We welcome those of you looking for a new spice company just about the spices with no side helping of politics. Use NOPOLITICS 4 free shipng  -- The Spice House Twitter Feed.

And this get's better.  The Spice House is owned and operated by Bill Penzey's sister!

I don't know what all has gone on between them but I did find out that the Spice House came first.  It was founded by  their Dad who left it to her.

I don't know about you but I'm definitely getting a Dagny and James Taggart vibe from these two.

In closing beloved readers.  Please leave suggestions in the comments as to what I should do with the my box of unwanted Penzey's Spices.  And yes I am serious I can not bring myself to use them ever again.  

Anything seasoned with them would be as ashes in my mouth.


Unknown said...

Make a particulary fragrant sack of flaming dog droppings for Bill Fagzey's front porch?

L. Beau said...

Bill Penzey:
“A stone is heavy and the sand is weighty; but a fool's wrath is heavier than them both.”
― Frank Herbert, Dune

The American Right:
“They've discovered they're a people. They're awakening.”
― Frank Herbert, Dune

"What do you despise? By this you are truly known." - Ibid.

McCrea said...

throw them into your anaerobic compost tea bin, a la David the good's book.

kennymac said...

I bet they'd be fun to shoot.

Jew613 said...

Make a very spicy campfire.

The Overgrown Hobbit said...

Dump the spices into an envelope with a copy of your letter and mail it to Penzys.

Soak the jars in hot water so you can scrub off the labels and use for other spices from other companies. It's not hard to make your own (nicer) custom labels.