Wednesday, November 30, 2016

So Funny...Must Share...Alternate History...Hillary Won!!!

(*garbled tranmission noises*)...psshh...phssh...hello can you hear...psshh...Cataline, here...psshh...blerg...expedition through the Gate was successful.  But tragedy...ssyrruu...Somewhere in the Omniverse there is a nightmare world where this horrifying thing actually...psshh blerg sshhhrrr...transmitting now and heading...crrhhhshsh...PRAY FOR THEM!!!

Transmissions from an alternate universe where Hillary won. (*Yes, it's from Newsweek please forgive me*)


Dear Hillary Clinton,

Congrats. You've achieved history. As someone who supported Bernie Sanders in the primary but still fought to defeat Donald Trump, I want to say thank you and you're welcome. Thank you for delivering us from Trump. 


And you're welcome for the work we did to send you to the White House. 


Without Sanders's running all over the country campaigning for you, and without the GOTV efforts and votes of Sanders supporters, you wouldn't have won.


I think we have the potential for a mutually beneficial relationship. But let's be real. I'm not that into you, and you're not that into me. 
And I know the kind of woman you are. You play hard to get; you're fickle; you say one thing and then do the opposite. 

I won't tell Huma if you don't.

You like one "position" one week and then hate it the next one. 

Nevermind, Huma already knows.

You like to play the field and swing both ways, 

Look, Huma really knows here.  She couldn't possibly know anymore than she already does.  She. Knows.  

Just accept this!!

to the left and to the right. You call yourself a moderate, but I've seen the way you look at Republicans. The way your face lights up when Henry Kissinger walks into a room. You never look at me that way. To be fair, I don't get that hot and bothered by you...or Kissinger. He actually repulses me on physical, moral, ethical and intellectual levels. The good thing is we'll never fight over a man.

Okay you are now making me beat this joke to death and I won't do that to a reasonably innocent joke just for your amusement.

As Becky Bond, a former senior organizer for the Sanders campaign and co-author of Rules for Revolutionaries, put it, "from the perspective of progressives who supported Bernie Sanders in the primary, this election is a shotgun wedding." We would vote for Clinton "because we had to." But there was never going to be a honeymoon.

No, I said, "no" and I mean, no.

Now, Hillary, you are the president-elect. And as much as a catch as I may be, it would be silly to pretend your being the most powerful person in the entire world doesn't give you a bit of an upper hand.

Now googling Lesbian PUA

But before you get too comfortable, just remember that our commitment to each other only lasts for four years. If you want to make this last for eight years, you're going to have to treat us well. I'm going to have to be fired up if you want me to renew our vows in 2020.

Fuck! You would not believe the number of hits I got.

Now what does that mean? What will fire me up? I don't expect you to read my mind. That's a mistake too many couples make.

Their pickup lines are much worse than ours.

Since Bond is an experienced organizer, dubbed a "secret weapon" by Breitbart, I thought I would ask her for advice. What were the things that I could ask of Clinton that would show me she was going to do the right thing by me and by the country? She suggested four easy ways for you to satisfy and prove your commitment to progressive partners like me. Because a strong foundation is the key to any successful relationship, Bond said this could all be done within the first 100 days of the presidency.

Is there such a thing as a Club Pull anymore? 

 I got dragged to a club the night before Trump's victory by some college kids...Yes, I was designated sexy old-guy-veteran

 Bottomline; total sausage party. Girls just don't hit clubs anymore. Learn how to work Tinder or you are dead in the world of Game.

Use an executive to grant protection from deportation to the family members of the undocumented people Barack Obama's order protects from deportation.

Okay getting back on the clock here. You will notice how she is sooper cool with executive orders to circumvent the actual law.

Use an executive order to say that the international aid won't be subject to Hyde Amendment restrictions around abortion.

The fact that girl fetuses are aborted as fast as they are detected in the third world doesn't mean that America shouldn't pay for all of them. That's just common sense.  

Killing a third world Woman-Child and having America pay for it is just good feminism.

Appoint people to the treasury from the Sanders and Elizabeth Warren wing of the Democratic Party.

Make America long as that never applies to New York City.

Pull out of the Trans-Pacific Partnership. 

China pays me to put that at the end of every article.

These would be extremely romantic.

So Lesbians like a premature pull-out?  Who knew?

MARIN COGAN (contributing editor, New York magazine, but this piece was prepared for

And yet: Hillary Clinton’s victory is historic—a triumph that should not be overlooked. It marks the end of centuries of exclusion of women from the nation’s top job. Even more remarkable was the way she won it: by running as a woman, who championed policies aimed at women, against an avatar of reactionary sexism. She won under politically tainted investigation, in spite of plenty of legitimate criticism, 

Uh oh, thought crime in process. Chairman Hillary will not like this. Not one little bit. The classified emails she put On Blast are not a legitimate criticism of the womanchild of God himself. They don't mean a thing in the least, no matter how many men died as a result.
 Those assholes were helping America, they deserved what they got!!!

and in the face of an incredible amount of sexism. In voting for her, Americans rejected Donald Trump’s old, macho vision of leadership and embraced a new paradigm, one that values not only a new style of leadership but also a policy outlook that prioritizes women and children.

No man of the West has ever in the history of world created a military policy that would protect women in children. That has never happened.

ALEXANDRA SVOKOS (political writer, Elite Daily)

Clinton was the first First Lady to have had a full-time job outside of her husband's career before moving into the White House. She was the first First Lady to get an office in the West Wing.

This woman is a complete historical illiterate. The first female president of the United States was effectively Edith Wilson 1919-1924

Clinton was the first female senator from New York. She was the first First Lady to be elected to a public office.

Clinton was the first woman to clinch a presidential nomination and the first female presidential nominee for a major party.

Now, Clinton is set to become the first female president of the United States. 

Well, two out of three ain't bad.

JON SCHWARZ (senior writer, The Intercept)

Okay. Okay. The 2016 election is over, and Donald Trump is not going to be president of the United States of America.

Oh dear what is to come next becomes more poignant yet.

We’ve all hugged our children, husbands and wives, parents, 
siblings, neighbors, dogs, cats, parakeets, ocelots and so forth.


Some of us may have cried with relief.

Now we have to figure out what to do next.

And that remains a mystery.

Top Democrats, top Republicans, the corporate media and big business all have overwhelming incentives to pretend, as of this moment, that the last year never happened. Maybe there was a small glitch in the matrix, they’ll say, but the update we just pushed has patched it. The system worked! Thanks for voting. We’ll handle things from here.

For everyone else, all of America’s regular people, it’s a matter of life and death to stop that from happening.

Woah, I just agreed with someone from this alternate universe for a moment. 
The fact that a Tang-colored monstrosity like Trump came this close to the Zero Halliburton aluminum suitcase is by itself a terrifying catastrophe. The U.S. has had several presidents who might have destroyed humanity on purpose, but Trump is the first serious contender who could easily have done it by accident.

The moment is now over.

In any functioning democracy Trump’s campaign would have sputtered to a halt in the fall of 2015 because all of the other Republican candidates refused to appear on the same stage as him.

He refused to show up with them dumbshit.

I've been waiting for this next one.

JONATHAN CHAIT (writer and columnist, New York magazine)

Sparing the Republic from the whims of a twisted maniac is no small triumph. 

Totally fucking agree Chait. Welcome to the AltRight!

Clinton’s skeptics have already been denying credit for her expected victory by noting that she benefited from facing the least popular major party nominee in history, 

While being unbelievably unpopular herself. That's a twofer.

and that a normal Republican could have defeated her. 

In truth I'm not sure "they" were wrong. But a normal Republican would have been a failure before he took office.

This misses the extraordinary nature of the opposition that produced this unpopularity in the first place. Clinton has absorbed 25 years of relentless and frequently crazed hate directed at her husband, compounded by her status as a feminist symbol, which made her the subject of additional loathing. 

That is one marathon of a run-on sentence Chait. One that impressively tries to paper over a quarter century of unrelenting and instinctive corruption by Great House Clinton. The only reason they ever got away with it was because of little turd gobbling shitheels like you.

Her very real missteps were compounded by a press corps that treated her guilt as an unexamined background assumption.

Because she was clearly, obviously and completely guilty of a felony violation of the National Security Act. The Rosenbergs didn't do half the damage that she did.
 She is almost certainly the first president to survive simultaneous leak-attacks by both a faction of rogue right-wing FBI agents and Russian intelligence.



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