Sunday, November 27, 2016

I Was Hoping to Avoid a Civil War...Too Late

At what point did the American Civil War become inevitable?

  The high school history book answer is the artillery barrage on Fort Sumter. 

When you get to college you hear that it was actually the Mexican War that set the stage for the inferno to come.  You find out about the Caning of Charles Sumner and Bleeding Kansas.

Then you leave college and see something of the world and you get another answer entirely.  The Civil War became inevitable when one side completely lost it's shit.

Unfortunately, here in the Northeast, it’s quite different. (Although I do have one case of a man who can’t peel his girlfriend off him despite her caring nothing about politics. “I’ve had an aura of winner,” he said. “It’s a confidence aphrodisiac.”) Andy, a technician from northern New Jersey, told me his wife would “break down into tears” when she saw him. This lasted for days. Video producer Pawl Bazile was fired from his waiter job by a manager who hated Trump. “I might sue,” Pawl said, “but I like the owner and I don’t want to screw him over.” The CEO of GrubHub decided to punish all their pro-Trump employees by encouraging them to quit. This launched a huge backlash and the company’s stock price has been in a free fall ever since. Like Pawl, GrubHub’s employees didn’t sue. Our people are much less litigious than theirs. While Democrats fabricate receipts that say, “I’m sorry but I cannot tip because I do not agree with your lifestyle,” we take real-life prejudice and laugh it off. As long as we’re not being kidnapped and hospitalized, we’re fine. “My whole office also laughed at me for supporting Trump and mocked me all day on the election,” said Trav, a sales guy who works at a tech company similar to GrubHub. “Next day I went into work with my MAGA hat and my Trump shirt and nobody would talk to me. It’s a lot of women, too—big surprise.” Tim is a bouncer who said, “The gay and minority coworkers appreciate my differing view and get that I just want a better country for my kid. All my white middle-class friends have bailed on me and treat me like a leper.” This seems to be a pattern, lots of privileged white people telling privileged white people they’re privileged white people. The childless are particularly spiteful.

To be clear, I’m not complaining. I’m just confused. We won. They lost. They need to get on their knees and kneel before Zod. It’s like going out on the field to shake the losing team’s hands after a game and they yell, “FUCK YOU!” from the dugout. Huh? Even my church is in mourning. I walked in expecting high fives from everyone, but the sermon was about surviving adversity and remembering to pray even when you feel all is lost. The only thing lost is a bunch of irrational babies who have never faced reality before.

When we got back from church, my liberal wife hugged me and said, “I forgive you.” I replied, “For what, making America great again?” and she recoiled in horror as I marched proudly back to the doghouse. My brother’s girlfriend is still livid that he “supports hate” and he lives in Canada (Australian Trump supporters are getting this too for some reason). The bickering drove him further to the right and he decided to get a “Proud Boy” tattoo, which led her to burst into the tattoo studio and start punching him in the face. Who’s nuts here?


his is how far down the rabbit hole they have gone. It’s like you were just caught having an affair with your 14-year-old student. There’s no explaining yourself. You’re clearly a disgusting human being who has done something unforgivable and to hear your explanation is only going to gross us out so please don’t come to Thanksgiving. When I presented this analogy to Tommy Sotomayor (the ostracization black Trumpers get is a whole other column), he pointed out that not only was he disinvited to Thanksgiving, but the guy who replaced him was an actual pedophile! IT administrator Andrew has been banned from Thanksgiving by his own mother. “Her and my gay brother somehow think I personally got Trump elected and refuse to talk to me about it,” he said. “It’s like they think I was his campaign manager.” Kory, a chef, also lost his sibling. “My brother dumped me,” he joked. “He was a fag anyways.” There seem to be very few cases of Trump supporters abandoning their liberal friends over this election. Like Charles Krauthammer says, “They think we’re evil. We just think they’re wrong.” The evil isn’t even their own invention. It is, as Michael Goodwin said on Sunday, “the caricature…the Democratic Party and the national liberal media created and that you swallowed hook line and sinker.”
We've all been seeing this.  I was expecting a bit of cognitive dissonance because the polls had told them they were winning even if their gut was telling them something else.
But we have moved beyond initial shock into something else entirely.

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