Monday, September 19, 2016

Amy Schumer is Still Stealing Material

Only now she's doing it from this guy.


The moment the camera was on Schumer at the Emmy's she starts blabbing on and on and on about her hooty-hoo.

Amy, if its of any comfort at all, I don't think dick jokes are that funny either.



My Dick is so big, it lives in a gated community that looks down upon Blacks and Hispanics.

If you posted a picture of my dick online, you’d go through 17 mouse wheels trying to scroll down it.
But then again…The Internet doesn’t have enough bandwidth for a single picture of my dick.

My Dick is so big, it once interrupted Kayne West after he interrupted Taylor Swift.

My Dick is so big it is Glenn Beck

You know that funny taste in your mouth right now? My Dick.

The Snonsberrys may taste like Snonsberrys, but the Snonsberrys taste like My Dick.

My Dick is so big, it has 12 moons.

My Dick is so big, it took on the ’72 Dolphins…and won by 3.

My Dick has +18 Charisma, +18 Intelligence, and +18 Wisdom

My Dick is so big, it calls my balls its minions.

My Dick is so big, it got a Bush tax cut.

My Dick is so big, the Navy calls it the U.S.S. My Dick

My Dick is so big, when it enters a black hole it doesn’t spaghettify, it Cannellonis.

My Dick is so big it’s seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. It’s watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser Gate. All those moments would be lost in time, like tears in the rain…but not for My Dick.

My Dick is so big, it once got 50,000 Diggs.

My Dick is so big, my condoms are built in orbit.

My Dick is so big, my pubes can be used to suspend a bridge.

My Dick gets more pussy than I do.


Where was I?

Oh yes, Amy Schumer is still stealing material.  Which I could understand if she was just stealing something that was at all funny.

Cartman:  Wendy just do women's comedy stuff.  Talk about how fat you are and how you want to have sex with guys and say, "my vagina," a lot.

That was from the season opener of South Park.

At last night's Emmy's when Amy was approached by a mike she said.



Okay, actually Cartman was funnier which isn't surprising.

Although somewhat more surprising is the possibility that either Parker or Stone read's this blog.


REPOST


Cataline can still get chumped. I suppose that one is obvious too.

However, I am more than passingly embarrassed about this one. I guess, I got caught up in the hype surrounding her.  I have finally seen her HBO Special or rather part of it.  I got bored after twenty minutes.

I can't tell you why I was pigeon enough to believe that Schumer was actually funny as a stand up comic when I've said in the past, "I honestly can't think of a single woman that can really do stand up." That remains true.

I'm not saying women performers can't be funny. Carol Burnett in her prime was the best physical comedian of her age. While I find their politics malignant, I will grant that Amy Poehler and Tina Fey have made me laugh. But only...and this is important...in the context of being comedic actresses.

Women's standup is invariably a different story because it's always the same story;

My period just started. 

My vagina is like...

My tampon is like... 

My boyfriend is like this thing compared to that thing because he is a shit, "Hi! Honey!"  

I got so drunk that...  

My cat watched me having sex.  

I'm fat.  

I'm old. 

No one wants me anymore and they used to and I'm mad about that. 

Blowjobs are like this thing compared to another thing. 

My period just started.

Occasionally one of these New York basket cases (and it is always a New Yorker), gets selected at random to be the new It Girl. She then gets an HBO comedy special. A magazine shoot that tests the outer most limits of make-up, lighting and camera technique to make the unattractive look like someone reasonably attractive. And finally a movie gig that has her opposite Meryl Streep.

Then everyone suddenly realizes one day that her insane rantings aren't that funny and they move on to the next one

Twenty years ago it was Rosanne Barr.

Ten years ago Margret Cho was the new Rosanne Barr.

Now Amy Schumer is the new Margret Cho.



Actually, to be fair, Schumer's much-famed Apollo show-turned-HBO special wasn't bad, per se. It was just rote in that stereotypical thirty-something white girl kinda way. Standing before a similarly white, hipster audience, a blonde chick with a foul mouth essentially confessed that she likes to talk about sex. Case in point: Schumer began her routine with a gag about dirty underwear. Somewhere toward the end she dropped a joke about giving oral sex to Uber drivers. The middle was a forgettable montage of awkward sex comedy featuring abortion gags and fat jokes. The grand finale was nothing more than a defense of women who like sex. If Schumer were that chick at a frat house with a Pabst in her hand, riling up half-drunk guys with bawdy humor before deciding which one would be her mark for the evening, I'd get it. A premium-pay comedy special? HBO, I know you're into Lena Dunham and all, but can you please spare me your over-hyped shenanigans?




I think the problem may ultimately be psyche. Male standup is by it's nature confrontational. Female standup is by it's nature the result of non-confrontational group consensus. The observations can be amusing but rarely funny.

UPDATE:

It also turns out that Schumer steals material.





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