Friday, September 30, 2016

2016: Guns for Hipsters


As sad as it is...the future is theirs. 

Okay I will grant...grudgingly...very grudgingly...that a few of them are alright but those tragic few of you, will sadly remain enslaved to the (*gag*) hipster fashions of your generation.

(*Cataline sneers at you while treating himself to complete amnesia about what he was dressed like in the 1980s. *)
Pictured NOT Cataline
but may as well have been

After taking the Red Pill, one of your first priorities, once you start getting laid on a regular basis naturally, is to study, pass the test and apply for your CCW (or local state equivalent.)  And then it is time to take on your ultimate symbol of Red Pill freedom.  Your statement to the world that your right to defend your life IS your right and not a privilege to be granted or revoked at the whim of the state.

Your personal firearm.

How you Hipsters dress and how you accessorize says a lot about you.  Consequently your firearm is going to have to pull double duty as a fashion statement.  This is unavoidable

Here is Cataline's top nine list of Guns for the Hipsters. So shut up and listen.

9. Browning Hi-Power

If you are a hipster you are absolutely not a 1911 guy.  You just aren't.  It can't be done and I don't blame you for not doing it.  The good news here is a hipster alt available to you.

The Browning Hi-Power was the last and arguably greatest creation of the American wizard of the gun shops, John Moses Browning.  The ones pictured above are by Nighthawk which as a hipster you cannot possibly  afford.

Pictured: What a hipster can afford

You can pick up an old Browning cheaply enough at a soon-to-be-illegal gun-show or at a down at the heels gun shop.   The attraction for the hipster is the thrift store find status plus antique value.

Fervently swear by your Browning Hi-Power and you will be granted respect not just by your loser friends but by actually useful people who would have rather died than pay you that respect.  You get points for that.

In truth it's not optimal for self defense.  As it is a single action pistol, you either have to carry it empty chamber and hope your attacker is polite enough to give you time to draw it and pull the slide. Or carry it locked and cocked with the safety on and hope you can get it flicked off in time.  Finally you can just go Commando and await the inevitable arrest for a "negligent discharge event," praying it is not accompanied by a manslaughter charge.  With any luck at all you will just have bad limp.

Not being optimal is one thing.  Being completely ineffective for self defense is another.  Too many men have died on the business end of a Browning Hi-Power for anyone to say it's not effective.

Serious note: if you do go this route, select your ammo with care.  I wouldn't trust an old Hi-Power with modern +P+ ammo.  My heartfelt suggestion is Cor-Bon Pow’R Ball.

8. The Chiappa Rhino

If you are hipster with an inadequate penis size and deep pockets then this is the gun for you.

Given the hipster love of all things foreign and ugly as fuck.  The Rhino by Chiappa had to make the list at number 8. 

Wheel guns, I will grant have certain advantages.  The IA drill for any revolver misfire is to just pull the damn trigger a second time.  Problem solved.   This is without question faster than any tap-rack-bang.  But you do give up magazine capacity in exchange. 

The official appeal of the Rhino is it's ergonomic underbarrel.   The round comes out of the bottom of the cylinder, instead of the top.  It transfers the recoil absorption into your arm rather than into your wrist.

It's unofficial appeal is it's high tech look that makes it the iPhone of the gun world.

It is nowhere near as pretty but you worked that out just by lookin at the picture..

UPDATE:  A standard Weaver Stance is not recommended with this gun. You should give C-Clamping a shot with this one. Literally.

7. Mateba

Now that I think of it, the Chiappa has recently developed a major drawback for hipsters.  It just became soooper commercial.

The third gun on the right is the Chiappa 60.
Yes, the Chiappa just became the gun of choice for insane ex-girlfriends.

So do what hipsters do best and take a step backward.  Meet the Chiappa's illegitimate older brother the Mateba.

Yeah, I auditioned for Bladerunner but I didn't get the part

This one comes with it's own high-tech appeal.  It is a semi-automatic revolver.  That's right kiddies the whole upper assembly goes back and forth when the gun fires. After the first shot goes off in double action, the rest of the shots are in single action.

That is the nearly a perfect revolver in theory but in practice you might occa-a-a-a-sionally fire more bullets than you actually planned to.  Also it's a little too big for standard conceal carry, you will have to go off body and that has it's own drawbacks.

But you are a hipster, so a man-purse will draw nothing but praise from your friends.

6. The Czech 75.

We have now reached the required Communist gun portion of our program.  As this is a hipster list, I understand there is a perquisite need to venerate all things from the era of the life destroying, God denying Soviet Union.

Very well, I present you the completely expected CZ-75 Classic.*

Like pretty much any Eastern Block weapons platform in the 1980s, it was vastly over rated.  The Tough Metal Gun was built from steel that was forged right at the CZ factory and the alloy was "tuned" to it's specific needs.  It could take (for it's day) a pretty hot round.  That is all good stuff and Americans were over impressed by the recommendation of Jeff Cooper who hated all things 9mm but sure as hell didn't hate this one.

It acquired an overblown reputation for...well for everything because it was The Gun from Behind the Iron Curtain and no one in America could get one.

And then we did and they were all crap.  In fairness the ones we got were cheap Spanish knockoffs but they severely tarnished the legend.  Since Czechoslovakia was a Communist country they couldn't apply for patents in western countries, which meant that anyone could produce one.  That didn't mean that anyone should have.

It's easy to find a good Czech 75 Classic now but a lot of the romance is gone.

Therefore as a hipster you may want the...

5. Makarov

The Soviet Union didn't have a police force as there was officially no crime in the Soviet Union by state decree.

I'll wait here until you stop laughing.


Still waiting...


Still waiting...


Okay look assholes this is your future you are looking at here. This is coming to an America near you sooner or later if Trump doesn't win.  Look at how many BLM rioters are facing actual charges and you will see that a lot of that in fact now.

Anyway. Sure there was crime in Cold War Russia but none of it was officially recognized by the state.  All crimes were an act of minor rebellion against the state and therefore were handled by "the People's Militia."  (i.e. the actual police)

The Makarov was the gun of the People's Militia.  It's basically an improved ripoff of the Wulther PPK just as the Czech 75 is an improved ripoff of the Browning Hi-Power (sorry I meant to mention that.)  It's actually a fairly decent gun but good luck finding 9X18 ammo for it.**  But if you do, hey major hipster points to you, if you are at just the right coffee shop.

It's the one with the cammo netting.

4. HK P7

This is all well and good Cataline, you tell me, but I would actually like to kill whoever is trying to kill me!

Such an odd sentiment for a hipster but there is one in every crowd I suppose.

Fine then, it's time to go German.

Meet the Heckler and Koch P7.  The "squeeze-cocker." As a Millennial, the homosexual innuendo should please you immensely.

There is also the retro-techiness of the gun.  When it was first introduced in Germany after the massacre of the Munich Olympics, it was easily the most advanced pistol design in the world.

It is still one of the few guns out there that is perfectly safe to carry with a round in the chamber.  The grip mechanism has a twenty pound squeeze.  But once you have that down it only takes two pounds of pressure to hold it in place.  The grip is what cocks the striker mechanism.  In decock mode, the weapon simply cannot be fired accidently.

Cocked, locked and ready to rock, it is insanely accurate for a semi-automatic pistol.  The trigger is something that most gunsmiths today can only dream of and best of all for's totes out of production.  Has been since 2008.

It's all metal frame gives you retro-cred.  The pinned barrel lets you be a snob even if you don't have any right to be.  And the antiquated technical innovations make it the turntable of the gun world.

It will be all but impossible to find a STANDARD CAPACITY M13 version, they were banned under the AR Ban, so you will be stuck with an M8.  That's good news given the ludicrous magazine restrictions you face if you live in Blue states.

It's a can't miss for hipsters.

Moving on to something that can miss.

3.  Remington Model 51

Yes, you need a sub-compact so suck it up and say it's tasty.

Although Cataline does understand that a sub-compact presents a few problems, in terms of hipster friendly fashion statements.  However none of them are unsolvable.  And here is one good solution, the antique Remington Model 51.

It's pretty much concealable, even under hipster clothing.  And it's a functioning antique!

An advantage of Pedersen's design is that it allows for a lighter slide than a straight blowback operated pistol, and hence an overall lighter weapon, with the hesitation lock contributing to less felt recoil for this intuitive pointing pistol. General
George S. Patton owned a Remington 51 and was thought to favor the weapon.

Despite critical praise, no government or private agency is known to have adopted the weapon for use. Some examples are seen today with inventory numbers, however their origin is unknown.

As you can see this pistol will allow you to play knowledgeable blowhard hipster.  It gives you sneering value at the expense of  your friends.  Think of it in terms of craft beer hoppiness.  You don't really know what you are talking about but you can feign a worldliness that you don't deserve with this choice of pistol.

"Hey, Cataline, do I have to get the antique version?" You ask.  "I heard Remington has put the model 51 back into production.  Can't I get that the new one instead?"

Uh, no.

Also,  fuck no.

Moving along.


Fine, I realize that weighing only 90 pounds soaking wet and wearing skin tight clothes makes concealment an issue.  So you want a good, cheap, sub-compact.

It is certainly cheap.  But good is the operative word here and this new one drastically fails to qualify at that.  The first roll out two years ago was an epic disaster for Remington.  The Gen2  is not a major improvement.  The problem is the same one you will run into with any semi-auto gun designed in the early 20th century.  Stacking tolerances.  Cheap 1911s have the same issue but it's no where near as bad.  John Pederson was a genius on a par with Browning himself, hell even Browning said so...But if Browning was the honored Edison of the gun world then Pederson was the tragic Tesla.

There was, and is, a reason for that.

Automatic's from the turn of the century weren't built with modern manufacturing in mind.  They were all designed to be assembled carefully one by one by expert gun smiths.   They just can't be mass produced cheaply.  They just can't.  When Kimber builds a model 51, I'll be the first in line until then;  AS I SAID, MOVING ALONG.

2. Walther PPK

This is Pretty Much Red Pill hipsterism in one small, elegant and utterly lethal package.  James Bond's righthand is up there with Dom Perignon 1955 and the Aston-Martin DB5.

It's the classic.

It's the legend.


...not really capable of living up to its rep.  A bottle of '03 is much better than the '55.  And as for the DB5, a modern bone stock Ford Fiesta ST leaves it tragically in the dust.

When it comes to the PPK itself...well it's in the same neighborhood as the Browing Hi-Power.  It was good enough in it's day but it isn't good enough any more.  There are just too many better options out there now.

But if you are talking fashion statement and no real plans to defend your life, then Cataline is totes behind you Dawg.  Go with it.  I actually do approve.

It ain't optimal but it does work and thanks to the big, JB it remains flat fucking, cool.


And now we reach number one.

Since this is a hipster list we need something that is retro but is not trying to be retro.  Something that has stood the test of time yet, it still optimal.  Something that Gen X wouldn't think was cool at all but would have the Boomers nodding their heads at the groovy edgy hipness of your choice. Something that came from the 80's but isn't stuck in the world of an actually talented Bill Murray.

Above all, it must be...ironic.

And here it is.

The Dark Herald's Number One Choice for the Guns of Hipsters is...

Drum roll please...

One bone stock...

It was a tough assignment.

Also I'm doing you guys a favor.

*Especially as Cataline is a noted CZ Yuppie.
** Actually you can get 9x18 cheaply enough mail order.  However beware the vendor.

1 comment:

Ingot9455 said...

You might add that if you have your thumb in the wrong place on the Chiappa Rhino, the expanding gases will take it off neatly for you. You have to actually read the manual and put your thumb in the groove in an unnatural fashion. That's a special hipster bonus right there.