Monday, August 15, 2016

Sex and the Grant Money Furnace: Beer Goggles Are Real!!!

Apparently we still need science to tell us the fucking obvious:

There is naturally the usual Captain Obvious concerns about the kind of people who were actually willing to give honest answers about sex.  But by in large this wholly unnesscary study appears to have come up with some accurate observations.

1. There are beer goggles, but not weed goggles

While the participants admitted that both alcohol and marijuana affected their choice of sexual partner, they overwhelmingly reported that alcohol was more likely to negatively affect who they ended up sleeping with.

This is beyond Captain Obvious and is clearly into No Shit Dumbass. "I went to bed with Bo Derek and woke up with Bo Diddly," territory.

"Seeing partners 'in the daylight' for the first time and waking up next to a 'different person' was a common complaint of both males and females,"
the researchers report, adding that it commonly "lowered participants’ standards".

And is now the leading cause of RAPE!!!

When it came to marijuana, "Generally most participants did not report lowering their standards on marijuana (compared to alcohol), some did explain that they found their partners more attractive while high."

So are lava lamps, what's your point?

Oh, and reverse beer goggles definitely apply:

"When I’m drinking… I feel like I’m the prettiest person in the world, like no one has anything on me. I’m just so confident." (Female, 26)

This is second leading cause of RAPE!!!

"You took advantage of me while I was feeling attractive!"

2. Regret was commonly reported after drunk, but not high, sex

Both male and female participants said regret resulted from drunk sex - or "hooking up with drunk chicks",
as one called it - because of the lowering of sexual standards, and a higher risk of partaking in risky sexual interactions, such as 'withdrawing' instead of using a condom.

"Both males and females commonly reported that regret, shame, and embarrassment were associated with alcohol use, 

That is pretty much any activity while drinking. It's not just sex.  That's how you know you're doing it right.

but this was rarely reported for marijuana," the researchers found.

Because stoners aren't good at regret.

They suggest that because alcohol is more socially accepted, and more often done in public, it’s more likely that you’ll have drunk sex with someone you don’t know than when you’re having high sex. This could be behind some of that crushing regret.

3. Drunk sex can make you physically ill, but stoned sex can mess with your head

Edited for shooting fish in a barrel.  Moving on.

4. Sex feels better when you’re high

The researchers report that, generally, the participants described their bodies as being more sensitive on marijuana, but numb or desensitised on alcohol.

As Christopher Ingraham reports for The Washington Post, "The study found that both men and women reported longer and more intense orgasms on marijuana, with one woman reporting hers were 'magnified at least by five times'." 

Yes but were there independent observers on these occasions? I've known a college roommate who reported longer and more intense, "taking and an awesome shit. I mean it was like mystical, dude."  But I honestly don't think it was fundamentally better than when he was straight.

Drunk sex tended to last longer - but sometimes that just meant it hurt more for the female participants ...

You took too long...  
You were done too fast... 
 You didn't play with tits long enough...
Why won't you hold meee...

 while high sex sometimes felt longer than it was because "the feeling of time can slow down on marijuana".

5. Drunk sex leads to riskier behaviours

Risky behaviours included not caring about condoms, not noticing if condoms came off, putting themselves in situations they weren’t physically able to extricate themselves from

Like a tatted out Dependapotumus of an ex-wife named, "Destiny," who used to be a stripper but sure as fuck can't make a living at that anymore, the pole would bend.  

 Choose your "Destiny" wisely.

and blacking out.

"[N]umerous participants felt that they were still able to make good decisions on marijuana and maintain self-control, more so than when intoxicated with alcohol,"
the study found, adding that one participant thought that the paranoia from weed stopped him from engaging in risky behaviours he might try on alcohol.

                                                    In short high sex is like this:

Drunk Sex is like this

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