Saturday, August 27, 2016

Red Pill Review: The Last American Virgin

It's Saturday night so I'm going with an oldy but a good because this is all the time I have to spare tonight.  

Still I like this one.  My review of Last American Virgin


Do not be fooled by the poster

Sherman set the Way Back Machine, for a way better world; 1982

The 1970s are indeed and truly, finally and at last, thank you Almighty God over and done with.  

The seventies were horrible in every way imaginable.  From the guitar rapingly awful Wall of Sound music, to the bullshit non-philosophy of Easy Rider, to your older sister’s boyfriend’s creepy ass custom van with the shag carpeting that smelled...funny. There was nothing that wasn’t vomitable.  Even the clothing and food were wrong. Polyester ravaged the land for an entire decade, (Hell, your Dad’s leisure suit was packed with the stuff).  As for the kitchen it was ruled by Ronco garbage that made every day tasks slightly worse.

Even your Mom’s orange pyrex bowl seemed

All of Generation X said, "Okay we'll be over here until this is over with"

It's 1982 now and all that is over with.

The President of the United States is no longer a sad laughable embarrassment and third world kleptocrats can no longer flip America the bird unless they want a broken finger. Self righteous hippies have turned into self loathing yuppies and Alex P.Keaton is their son. Orange is the new “banished as a color.”  The Wall of Sound has been shattered by an MTV that doesn’t suck.  Ayn Rand is being openly discussed on campuses as a non-insane figure.  And the Commodore C-64 is invading American homes in a way that Apple can only pretend it will.

Girls are thin and wear jeans that let boys know it.  

Imagine that for a few tragic seconds. American girls who aren’t sluts going out of their way to make themselves attractive. (sigh)

Behold the Face of the Eighties
You have no idea how long it took her to put these on

And a generation that hasn’t even taken time to name itself, is starting to make it’s tastes felt in the newly arisen video rental stores.  

Turns out Generation X, loved beeewbs. I mean really loved beeewbs.  This relationship between the Gen X male and the pre-silicone mammary gland would be something special.

What do you want? We were teenagers.

It started with a somewhat underrated 1950s coming of age comedy called Porky’s.  Believe it or not, the first one was kind of, sort of, just a little bit...well...good...In two spots anyway.

B Movie moguls shrugged at this sudden change in the market.  Stopped making cheap slasher pics and started making unfunny comedies with girls locker room scenes.  After all, Porky’s had one.

Not my idea of fun, Sid.
But hey, if that's what the kids want...

There followed a completely and utterly forgettable string of dull, boring, ridiculous...I dunno “comedies”  I suppose you'd have to call them.

I’d give you a list of them.

But I won’t.

Not worth my time or your’s.  

These movies were basically porn without the porn.  But they could be rented from Papa Kostopoulos’s Authentic Greek Gyros and Video Rental shack without having to walk through the Curtain of Shame, to where the actual porn was located.

Average viewing time, (not including fast forwarding), 11 minutes and 28 seconds.

However, there was one movie that while truly average, was also quite a bit above average.

The Last American Virgin had a few things going for it that most of those teenage titty flicks did not.

A good sound track and Red Pill honesty.

First the producers reserved enough of their budget for music, that they were able to buy up the best stuff that was available.  At that point in time, music producers were behind the power curve on the video tape market,  so a good catalog didn't cost the Earth.

And what an Eighties catalog it was:

The Police
Oingo Boingo
The Commodores
KC and the Sunshine Band (*Okay we are dipping into the Seventies here, I admit it.*)
The Cars
The Human League

And of course the cri de coeur of the American Beta Male; James Ingram’s, Just Once.

All in one pretty cheap movie.

Let's take a look at it.

Meet Gary

Our Hero?

His best friend Rick

Never have a wingman this good looking.

And the love of Gary’s sad little life; Karen.

I don't get it myself

By 1980, male virginity had gone from something you could openly admit to with something akin to societal approval to something you kept to your damn self and never admitted to, under any circumstances.  

Gary was a known virgin, who delivered pizzas in a pink station wagon. We didn’t call them 'estate cars' back then, they were wagons or as the kids would call them today, mini-vans.

Naturally Gary's best friend Rick, (one of natures’ Alphas,)  wanted to help relieve his friend of this crippling social disease. The virginity you understand, there was nothing could do about the station wagon.  And mind you, Rick wasn’t trying all that hard.

Rick’s plan was to throw Gary “grenades”  while he screwed the “grenades” much better looking friends.  This plan actually worked...for Rick.

Gary on the other hand was still unknown to womankind, when Karen, the new girl arrived at school.  Karen was also a virgin.  Gary instantly contracted oneitis for her.

To prove his love for her, he immediately orders the same flavor of ice cream as Karen.   

(*Long tired sigh.*) Yeah I know.

Rick also fell in, not exactly love with Karen.  He had designs on her virginity and they weren’t complicated. They didn't need to be. Karen had clearly felt the bad boy Alpha vibe.

At one point Gary has the opportunity to give Karen a ride to school in his pink station wagon. They talk for a bit. They connect a little and he thinks he finally has an in with Karen.

(*Long tired sigh.*) Yeah I know.

His best friend Rick shortly thereafter pops her cherry with her most very, extremely happy and quite willing to do it, consent.

The night of her defloration.  Gary keeps staring at Karen and Rick, at a pool party they are all at. Clearly agonizing over the fact that this terrific girl, the love of his young life.  Is throwing herself at a slob, who only wants to use her and lose her.  

Of course Gary falls in the pool.

Rick did not however remember the Golden Rule of Virgin Girls. Which is, "always wear protection because she probably gave it up at the peak of her fertility cycle."

Which Karen had.

When informed of his impending fatherhood.  Rick being one of nature’s Alphas, tells Karen, ‘sucks for you, I guess’.  And dumps her on the spot.  1982 was a world without genetic testing.

Karen is now a desperate girl without resources.  

Alpha has fucked.  Guess what Beta is going to do?

You got it!

Gary helps Karen get a an abortion without her parents finding out.  Pays for it out of his pizza money. He nurses her back to health in secret.  He listens to stories of her emotional loss and suffering and nods a lot.  

Well it’s movie law at this point, isn't it?  Clearly Karen has learned her horrible lesson.  It was a devastating thing to have to go through but it’s over with now.  She can now face life as a strong and confident young woman, who has found a young man of true quality, character and devotion who will always be at her side.

According to this same law, the only thing left at this point is for Gary to present Karen with an engagement ring and for Karen to relieve Gary of his much despised virginity right before the credits roll. Oh and kick Rick in the balls, she is supposed to do that too...and doesn't.

Gary knows these rules and couldn’t be happier about them.  His first time won’t be with some fat “grenade” that Rick tossed his way.  No, it will be with his one true (only slightly soiled) love.  He has bought her a ring.

Lets see how this works out, in a truly great cinematic Red Pill Moment:

Welcome to the real world Neo


Sillon Bono said...

Oh Dark Herald you must watch this ASAP if you haven't,_Untold_Story_of_Cannon_Films

It tells the story of how that movie (a remake of an originL Israeli movie) came to be.

Cataline Sergius said...

I had seen Electic Boogaloo on Netflix not too long ago.

This is still probably the best thing they ever made,which is sad because Golan/Globus made a bazillion films.

Of course most of it was schlock.

I used to hold Cannon Film Fests with my friends. They are great flicks if you have a few beers and then Mystie the hell out of them.

Sillon Bono said...

Runaway Train is also a fantastic movie.

Death Wish 3 "Bronson murders everyone" is a work of art, plays on a league of its own, the epitome of so bad its good.

I agree that the last American Virgin is something else entirely and a movie that should be played in schools.