The Hive Mind Media promptly called it something other than an Islamic Terrorist Attack. *
Apparently Guns and Jebus were responsible for the Pulse massacre. They are now very, very careful to call it a mass shooting and not a terrorist attack. Apparently the words Islamic Terrorism give President Assbag a case of the sadz for some reason.
With orders to not upset the president firmly in their hot little hands. The Hive Mind Media set about resetting the narrative accordlingly. In fact in near to apologetic fervor as they had initially transgressed the will of Assbag and reported this act of Islamic Terrorism as...of all things...Islamic Terrorism.
The new narrative was Gun Control and the New York Daily News leaped greedily for it.
They sent one of their writers with the staggeringly appropriate name of Kuntzmen out to fire an AR-15. Apparently someone too stupid to own a gun shop let him do it. I will let Gersh Kuntzmen use his own words to describe the ensuing and unimaginable horror.
Our beloved Pandimensional Lord of Hate Larry Corriea found Kuntmen's wisdom world shaking and set about finding more question to ask the all knowing Kuntzmen. Certain that he would be happy to explain things to us, regardless of our ability to comprehend.
Dear Kuntzman, big fan. I am trying to go green in order to save the Earth. Dying polar bears make me sad. Should I buy a Toyota Prius?
– Carbon Neutral in Carson City
Dear Carbon, I drove a Prius once and it changed me forever. As soon as I climbed inside the minimalist brutalist interior of this carbon fiber Japanese death machine it was as if I was driving a monster truck. I pushed start. The engine was a throaty roar like a thousand nuclear jet bombers. I immediately soiled my trousers to prevent this beast of the land of hentai from raping me. Tentacles are NOT OKAY. In my haste to escape, I touched a lever, and the windshield wipers began beating like a reaper’s sickle threshing horror. Trying to reach the escape handle, I struck a phallus-like pole, and lights began to blink. Blink. Blink. A light. A terrible, red, light! BLINK BLINK! Shrieking and flailing, I clutched desperately at the door, and tumbled, helpless, into the street. In the cold New York City rain, I lay there helpless and soiled in the gutter. The terrifying Prius looming over me, asserting its alpha dominance, and I crawled away. Forever.Also, you may want to check out the new Nissan Leaf.
As you can see Kuntzman did not disappoint. If you wish to partake of even more of his wisdom, you must rest the rest Monster Hunter Nation.
*Actually not that promptly. When Fox and CNN were reporting the attack at six AM. MSNBC was still leading with a piece on why Hillary should pick Elizabeth Warren as her VP. By eight AM they were still running the Fouxcahontas story without even a hint that something was amiss in Orlando.
It was painfully and laughably obvious at that point that MSNBC was in fact literally waiting for the White House to tell them how they should report the story and Obama hadn't woken up yet.