Monday, January 4, 2016

ISIS Rules for Rape

I recently heard from my friend Habeeb...

...okay not really my friend.  

I shot him through the thigh during OIF, (in case you’re wondering, yeah I missed what I was aiming at).  None the less we had a chance to get to know each other pretty well  when I needed to find out where his platoon's ambush site was.  Call it a bonding thing.  

Anyhoo, Habeeb was a fake it until you make it kind of hadjii.  Really, he was only in it to impress the girls in Tikrit. No surprise he babbled all the right things to get released. And even less of a surprise that he joined the ISIS Caliphate the first chance he got.

I had asked Habeeb about the Fatwah regarding the treatment of female slaves. I had wanted to know how can you have rules for raping a girl that come off as completely freaking Beta?

Here's what he had to say.

SUP Cataline,

You Crusader Fuck.  Still going to kill you first.  LOL on you.  

Yes, Fatima and Yasmine are both doing well as are the boys Muhammad, Muhammad, Muhammad and Qutb.  The girls whatever the fuck their names are, are doing well too.  My oldest daughter just turned twelve, she’s already graduated from third grade and will be getting married next month.  

They grow up so fast.

Yasmine has a new and exciting career in the al-Khansa Women’s Secret Police.  Exciting for me! She runs one of the comfort brothels.  But for shizel dawg you won’t believe all the fucking rules for slave fucking.

Here’s the opinion paper
(*actual fatwa below*)

Habeeb's comments are in bold.

Fatwa Number: 64 Date: 29 JAN 2015 ISIL COMMITITE (sp) OF RESEARCH AND FA FATWAS No. 61, 62, and 64-68 A

Question: Some of the brothers have committed violations in the matter of the treatment of the female slaves. These violations are not permitted by Sharia law, because these rules have not been dealt with in ages.

Are there any warnings pertaining to this matter?

May Allah protect you. Praise be to Allah, prayer and peace be upon our Prophet Muhammad, his household and all of his companions. One of on the graces which Allah has bestowed upon the Slate of Caliphate is the conquest of large surface areas of the country and one of the inevitable consequences of the jihad of establishment is that women and children of infidels will become captives of Muslims. Consequently, it is necessary to clarify some rules pertaining to captured prisoners to avoid any violations in dealing with them.  Therefore we say, and may Allah grant us success:

-It is not permissible for the owner of a female captive to have intercourse with her until after she has had her menstrual cycle and becomes clean. If she does not menstruate and is pregnant, he is not allowed to have intercourse with her until after she has given birth.

Well sh-i-i-i-t that one is just common sense dawg. So rule of thumb here, don't take your youngest slaves to WorldCon.

- It is not permissible to cause her to abort if she is pregnant. If the owner of a female captive releases her, only he can have intercourse with her and he is cannot allow someone else to have intercourse with her.

Oooo, awkward.  I’m going to have ask if it’s permissible to reinslave a girl.  That might cover my ass here.

- If the owner of a female captive, who has a daughter suitable for intercourse, has sexual relations with the latter, he is not permitted to have intercourse with her mother and she is permanently offlimits to him. Should he have intercourse with her mother then he is not permitted to have intercourse with her daughter and she is to be off-limits to him.

Oh come on!  That one made sense when we didn't have genetic testing and slave girls looked like eight miles of bad road by age thirty.  We need to be more progressive about a few things these days.

Do. Not. Tell. Yasmine. I. Said. That.

- The owner of two sisters is not allowed to have intercourse with both of them; rather he may only have intercourse with just one. The other sister is to be had by him, if he were to relinquish ownership of the first sister by selling her, giving her away or releasing her.

WTF? Even the freaking Mormons are allowed to do both!  I saw it on Big Love.

- If the female captive is owned by a father, his son cannot have intercourse with her and vice versa. Moreover, intercourse with his wife's female captive is also not permissible.

Well that one does make a lot of sense.  I’ve started having to keep a close eye on Muhammad and also Muhammad.  Although honestly I’d be happier if I had to keep a closer eye on Qtub.  I’m worried that, that boy is going to end up taking skydiving lessons off the top of Tikrit tower

- If a father had intercourse with his female captive then gave her away or sold her to his son, he is not longer permitted to have intercourse with her.

Keep dreaming Muhammad...and Muhammad.  

Qtub (*sigh*) we can talk about that one son.

- If the female captive becomes pregnant by her owner, he cannot sell her and she is released after his death.

Unless you are selling her to a Saud or a Turk. Its totes cool then.  The Caliphate does that shit all the time.  Whatever keeps my taxes down bro.

- If the owner releases his female captive then he is not permitted to have intercourse With her afterwards because she has become free and is no longer his property.

(*Ha! Ha! Ha!*)  Do you have any idea what a freed woman’s life is like in Raqqa?  I threaten my bitches with freedom.

- If two or more individuals are involved in purchasing a female captive, none of them are permitted to have intercourse with her because she is part of a joint ownership.

For sloppy seconds are hareem and gross.

- It is not permissible to have intercourse with a female captive during her menstrual cycle.

No problem!!!  

Honestly dude when you have this many bitches synched up, you mark it on the calendar.  There is a reason I head for the front once a month.

- It is not permissible to have anal sex with a female captive.

Always remember it’s more important to be mindful of the sin that you commit than it is commit that sin forgetfully.  I read that somewhere.

Just saying is all.

- The owner of a female captive should show compassion towards her, be kind to her, not humiliate her, and not assign her work she is unable to perform.

See this one proves we’re not animals dude.  Proves it!.

 - The owner of a female captive should not sell her to an individual whom he knows will treat her badly or do unto her what Allah has forbidden.

Yeah like the Turks and Saudis.  File that one under D for Dream On.

Well that's the news from Lake al-Wobegon. Where all the men have beards like Brillo Pads.  All the women are covered like Beatles songs.  And all children stop being children by age twelve.  See you when we burn down New York City, hater!

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