Monday, November 16, 2015

Do Not Hire Students from Amherst


Oh Dear lord. This one is truly tragic.

Amherst, that dumping ground for children of the elite who are simply too stupid to be permitted in an actual Ivy, have decided to make their historical illiteracy, economic ignorance and anaphylactic reaction to intelligence in general public knowledge.

Behold the brilliant workings of the young minds emerging from Rich Kid Community College.


1. President Martin must issue a statement of apology to students, alumni and former students, faculty, administration and staff who have been victims of several injustices including but not limited to our institutional legacy of white supremacy, colonialism, anti-black racism, anti-Latinx racism, anti-Native American racism, anti-Native/ indigenous racism, anti-Asian racism, anti-Middle Eastern racism, heterosexism, cis-sexism, xenophobia, anti-Semitism, ableism, mental health stigma, and classism. Also include that marginalized communities and their allies should feel safe at Amherst College.

Apparently President Martin is a very evil and busy TimeLord.  That is a hell of a lot of evil he appears of have wrought.  Honestly I'd terrified to take somebody that powerful on but if an apology will make everything better AWESOME!

2. We demand Cullen Murphy ‘74, Chairman of the Board of Trustees, to issue a statement of apology to students, alumni and former students, faculty, administration, and staff who have been victims of several injustices including but not limited to our institutional legacy of white supremacy, colonialism, anti-black racism, anti-Latinx racism, anti-Native American racism, anti-Native/ indigenous racism, anti-Asian racism, anti-Middle Eastern racism, heterosexism, cis-sexism, xenophobia, anti-Semitism, ableism, mental health stigma, and classism.

Sooo...Evil Doctor Who has an evil companion?

3. Amherst College Police Department must issue a statement of protection and defense from any form of violence, threats, or retaliation of any kind resulting from this movement.

"Issue a statement."  Does that get them out of actually doing their jobs? Which would include all kinds of protection and defense.  If that's the case I hope my local cops don't find out about it. 

4. President Martin must issue a statement of apology to faculty, staff and administrators of color as well as their allies, neither of whom were provided a safe space for them to thrive while at Amherst College.

I am assuming this means they weren't allowed sit in the back room of his TARDIS. I'm just guessing here.


5. President Martin must issue a statement to the Amherst College community at large that states we do not tolerate the actions of student(s) who posted the “All Lives Matter” posters, and the “Free Speech” posters that stated that “in memoriam of the true victim of the Missouri Protests: Free Speech.” Also let the student body know that it was racially insensitive to the students of color on our college campus and beyond who are victim to racial harassment and death threats; alert them that Student Affairs may require them to go through the Disciplinary Process if a formal complaint is filed, and that they will be required to attend extensive training for racial and cultural competency.

All Lives Matter!  ALL LIVES MATTER?!?!?! What the fuck man!  What the fucking fuck!!!  STONE THEM!!!

6. President Martin must issue a statement of support for the revision of the Honor Code to reflect a zero-tolerance policy for racial insensitivity and hate speech.

I'm actually in favor of this one.  The left can change the Constitution all it wants and dumbass GOP moderates will always throw up their hands in despair and say, "well it's the law of the land now, there is nothing to be done."  But if they destroy the first amendment half our work is done.  And the GOP won't lift a finger to stop it because its the lefties that are doing it.

7. President Martin must release a statement by Friday, November 13th, 2015 by 5:00pm that condemns the inherent racist nature of the unofficial mascot, the Lord Jeff, and circulate it to the student body, faculty, alumni, and Board of Trustees. This will be followed up by the encouraged removal of all imagery including but not limited to apparel, memorabilia, facilities, etc. for Amherst College and all of its affiliates via a phasing out process within the next year.

Lord...Jeff...  Okay Amherst sucks even more than I thought it could.

8. Dean Epstein must ask faculty to excuse all students from all 5 College classes, work shifts, and assignments from November 12th, 2015 to November 13th, 2015 given their organization of and attendance at the Sit-In.

9. Do not threaten the jobs of the faculty, staff, or administrators that support our list of demands. Such threats will result in an escalation of our response.

10. The Office of Alumni and Parent Programs must send former students an email of current events on campus including a statement that Amherst College does not condone any racist or culturally insensitive reactions to this information.

11. Dean Epstein must encourage faculty to provide a space for students to discuss this week’s events during class time.

The words Chicken and Shit come to mind when reviewing these last four paragraphs.  We demand that there be no consequences for our actions.  That we will not bear the slightest of burdens, nor pay any price for our noble crusade.  We want it all to be given to us gift wrapped.

I think the Declaration of Independence might have been a little less stirring if the last four paragraphs were demands of leniency for the Continental Congress in case this whole revolution thing went south.

So there you are potential employers.  Under no circumstances hire graduates from Amherst.  They spoiled, silly, historically illiterate and have a really stupid mascot.

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