Saturday, June 13, 2015

Cataline's Movie of the Year: Kingsmen The Secret Service

“It's called a coat...only potatoes wear jackets.”

In Skyfall, the villain, Silva after having captured James Bond with a minimum of effort and having tied him to a chair, of course.  Menaces Bond by delicately stroking Bond’s inner thighs while purring homosexual innuendo to him.  Strongly indicating he is soon to know man on man love for the first time whether he likes it or not.

To which Bond replies, “What makes you think it’s my first time?”


Like I needed even more cliches from a James Bond movie.  And yes the unexpectedly bisexual  hero is quite definitely cliche at this point.

I will however grant that Skyfall was in fact a good movie.  Certainly better than Bond’s last outing.

But was it a good James Bond movie?  In a lot ways Skyfall demonstrated that James Bond films are now their own tribute band.

Sure it’s slower than a Ford Fiesta.
But you should see how it overheats!

Dark and gritty with only the occasional self conscious wink at films that twelve year old Cataline totally freaked out over.

Bond has never been about realism with the possible exception of the first fifteen minutes of Doctor No.  

By any possible measure Bond is the world’s worst HUMINT Field Officer.  His cover is invariably blown within minutes of his arrival anywhere.  Assuming it wasn’t blown before he arrived in the first place.  He constantly leaves a body count in the double digits.  And then there is the problem of his runaway dick.  The gambling and alcohol dependence are just icing on the cake.

But that was all okay.  We never held that against him  Bond was never meant to be a John le Carre character.  Bond has always been about masculine fantasy.  Unstoppable by the strongest of men, desired by the most beautiful of women, the master of any situation he lands in.

Naturally that fantasy had to be suborned by SJW culture rot. That was an absolute necessity. And how better to do that then by making Bond a bi?  Well by making Bond married to a woman named Pussy Galore who henpecks him constantly and turns him into sad broken shell of the man he once was (that's in the new book.  The Author's wife is a Bond hating feminist.)

However, there is an alternative now available.

Kingsmen: The Secret Service is a glorious masculine rebellion against this.

Manners Maketh Man - William Horman

Who also said, "better a child unborn then untaught."

Well they got schooled.

Western Civilization is no longer under siege.  

The siege is over, we lost. The wall has been successfully undermined, the barbarians are passed it.  The defense of western civilization is now a guerrilla action at this point.  We make our stands where we can.
Kingsmen is one such place.

Many Spoilers below:

A young London chav named Eggsy has more than a few troubles.  He has a number of talents and abilities that should have put him in the upper five percent of the human race. But he has bombed out of the Royal Marines. He has gotten into drugs. His friends are all losers and they are dragging him down even further. His mom’s taste in bad boys has landed her a local petty crime boss who has it in for him.   And he has just ended up in jail for a perfectly understandable bit of car theft.

He is young man out of options.

Except maybe one.  Fifteen years before, a man (Colin Firth) came to his home, told him his father had just died very bravely and that if he was ever in trouble he should call a certain phone number.

With nowhere to turn, Eggsy calls the number.   

Eggsy is sprung almost before the the call has ended.

He immediately runs into the Harry Hart.  The man who his father had died protecting.  

Harry has got a job offer for him, if he can survive the interview.  There has just been an opening at his place of employment.  A Tailor shop on Saville Row called the Kingsmen.

The Kingsmen do more then make exquisitely bespoke mens wear. They are an independent intelligence gathering agency as well as a special operations team... also, they are the first NGO I would actually approve of.  All of the agents are named for the knights of the Round Table.  They are lead by an Arthur (Michael Caine) and there is also a Merlin (Mark Strong).  Harry Hart is Gallahad.  And our chav is up for the position of Lancelot.

When all's said and done, the Kingsmen are immaculately dressed superheros masquerading as spies.  Which I’m totally cool with!

The casting in this film is absolutely pitch perfect.  Anyone can cast Samuel L. Jackson as a supervillain and make it work (although not like this, good Lord no). But not everyone could cast Mark Hamill as an English climate scientist/comedy relief and make that not only work but work brilliantly.

I am faced with the problem of telling you what this film is about without ruining it for you.  

Well, it’s about several things.  It’s about a boy’s journey to manhood and his search for a father figure.  It’s about the defense of Western values and why they should be defended.  It’s about a Swedish Princess who is into butt sex (okay that one is a little off mission but it is there).  It’s about the perils of climate change (but not how you think). And it’s about a fireworks display I can only dream (desperately) of.

the things that I really liked about this movie.  

First; I actually liked all the characters.  It has been a while since that’s happened.  All characters are required to be detestable these days.  Yes there was interpersonal conflict in this film but it managed to not become an annoying distraction.

Second; Right before the bar fight you saw in the clip, Galahad is describing Eggsy’s father to him.  Eggsy is clearly pleased and proud of the man his father was.  Current film grammar would normally have Eggsy whining like a spoiled a bitch about his father dying in some God forsaken part of the world, instead of coming home to him  They didn’t do that.  He accepted his fathers death as the early end of a life that had been worth living.  Eggsy is proud to honor the memory of the man his father was.

Third: Eggsy is clearly a young man of inherent moral strength who just needs a push in the right direction.  They make it clear that he knows what’s right and he is willing to pay a great price to defend it.

Fourth: Eggsy’s training apparently included how to properly make a Martini.  Gin of course, no Vodka, stirred naturally and allowed to stare only briefly at an unopened bottle of vermouth. (*Cataline was left weeping on the floor at the beauty of that scene*)

The film is well paced and the plot is wonderfully structured.  It had pretty much the right amount of everything.

When Die Another Day came out, the producers clearly knew that the James Bond franchise had problems.  Everybody points to Bonds invisible BMW as the straw that broke the camel's back and says, 'well there was the problem, the old fashioned James Bond movies were just too silly and unrealistic.'

Time to turn Bond into a le Carre character and drench the audience in gritty realism.  They called it wrong. They surrendered James Bond to the nihilism that is eating at our culture like a cancer.

Kingsmen: The Secret Service, had way sillier things than an invisible car and it was way more enjoyable then Skyfall or Casino Royale. 

Kingsmen proves it is still possible to make a great old fashioned James Bond spy movie.

What was their secret?


This is a James Bond film that remembers what James Bond was fighting for. 

Dont’ just see it.  Buy it.

Special note:  PUA has finally gone mainstream.  There is one scene in the movie where three would be PUAs (one female) are brutally AMOGing each other by dissecting each other’s techniques right in front of their target.

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