Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Eco-Feminsist Top Gear

Guardian writer Zoe Williams had a fantastic idea for a hilarious satire called Eco-Feminist Top Gear.  It turned out she was completely serious.  

However I was quite certain that this idea was already in development somewhere.  After searching the nether regions of the internet, (yes, I did just link to myself), I somehow located a discarded pilot script from Elseworld.

With no small amount of horror, I present to you:

Eco-Feminist Top Gear

Opening theme:  Allman Brother’s Jessica, played on one acoustic guitar with accompanying drum circle.

Tri-screen split. Exciting action unfolds.

Hipsters getting off fixed gear bikes and pushing them uphill!

A three hundred pound woman in a tie dyed shirt with purple hair, holding a cat carrier next to an empty bus stop!

A man wearing Japanese denim and Google Glass standing beside a Tesla S, staring in horror at a single strand of black smoke coming from the underside of the car!

Opening concludes.  Cut to the inside of the studio.  Sweeping crane shot that zooms in on the three hosts.

Hello and welcome to Eco-feminist Top Gear!  I’m your host Rosie O'Donnell. I’m here with Aziz Ansari.   

(Cut to empty screen with one hand seen waving.  Camera drops frame and refocuses on Aziz).

And this is Danica Patrick.

(Short woman with shaved head kowtows tremblingly before an Earth Mother statue).

Tonight! We look at the future of car!

A quarter of the audience boos, the other three quarters tug desperately on the their leg irons. 

Drum circle continues to play.

We test the Pelosi GTxi SS/Rt Sport Edition (*pauses for moment before singing*) Super-legg-era!  

No I didn't create this.
Click on the link above if you want competent comedy.

(cheers, tugs chains)

Eco-Feminist Top Gear Stig kneeling beside the ...I dunno car...I guess you'd have to call it...in a white kimono.  He leans forward to grasp disemboweling knife, ritually presenting his bare neck. 

Kaishakunin Stig standing behind him raises his katana for the deathstroke.

(staring into distance):

(Nudges Danica)

Oh! Please God! No more!

(through clenched teeth):
Read. The. Teleprompter.

Yes...yes.. We’ll see the exciting future of Rally Sport!  

Toyota Prius getting stuck in the mud.  Gets rammed from behind by a golf cart.

(One quarter, “Ooo.” The rest in leg irons, cheer)

And I take the newly approved eco-feminist friendly, formula one model racer around our track.

Rosie puttering around El Toro air strip on a go kart with a wing glued to the back,  Go Kart Racing by Garfunkel and Oates is playing.  She appears unusually happy as she sits on the violently hyper-vibrating floor plate.  She makes ‘Bbrrbbrbrbr’ motions with her lips, before clenching her eyes tight as her face flushes.

You enjoyed that, didn’t you Aziz?

God no...  I mean yes! God yes? Or was it no?  Please I’m so sorry for being a man.  I can't help it, I was born this way.

(snaps fingers security guards close in on Aziz.):

Time for a word from our sponsor.

No, no, no, no, noooooooooooo! pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!!!

Do you like power?  I mean really like power?  Don’t worry this isn’t a trick question this time.  

Then what you want is the Amish GT 1840 with powered by two supercharged Belgian quadrupeds pumping out a massive one horse power each.  You will leave the other guys...(echo) In. The. Dust.

Amish GT 1840 pictured going up hill with unironically bearded guy in an unironic Amish hat,  holding the reins. Passes hipster with a fixed gear bike pushing it up the hill. Yells,  “suck it down and say it’s tasty!”

And it doesn’t stop there! The benefits of GT 1840 include,  huge eco tax credit, low fuel prices (horses munching grass ) and a maintenance cost of  one hammer per decade. Plus the satisfaction of owning an eco friendly car that produces only fifty pounds of fully recyclable exhaust per day (not pictured).

And lets not forget what the ladies think of the man who drives one.  Gt 1840 pulls over next to a bus stop. Fat woman with purple hair and a cat carrier hops eagerly aboard.  She winks at the camera.

And we’re back again. I’m Rosie O’Donnell. I’m here with Danica Patrick...

(flinches as Rosie strokes her cheek. Then composes herself.)
I have triumphed over myself.  I love Big Mother.

:... and this is Woody Harrelson.

(Waves at audience and stops in mid wave, hypnotized by the movement of his own fingers. Continues to weave them back and forth in childlike wonder).

It’s time for Roseanne Barr to be our star in a reasonably priced solar car.  We will have Roseanne here in the studio, sometime after her lap begins.

Cut to a Fiesta with solar panels glued all over it, rocking violently in the rain, a  woman’s grating voice is heard shrieking:  ‘fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!’

But now we will be be reviving a Top Gear tradition.

A challenge race!  Tonight we...will...
(stops talking and wanders off screen)

Er...Tonight!  Live! From our studio, we will be racing across Austin, Texas in our favorite eco-feminist transportation.  The first one to reach the SXSW wins!

(One quarter spontaneously applauds, the other three quarters start applauding after overseers crack whips over their heads.)

The hosts walk outside the studio.

Each of us will be testing three eco-friendly modes of transportation to see which one is fastest. First one to get to SXSW not only wins but has all of her perfectly legitimate theories of what really happened on 9-11 validated for all time in the court of public opinion.
(Shakes head to clear it):  
Thats right...Yes!  I’ll be taking Austin Public Transit. It's buses and trains for me.  Danica will be taking Uber. Don't worry I know what you are thinking. However, the app on her iPhone, has been modified to only summon hybrids and full electric.

(Smiling faintly):
I can have a phone again? That would be...

Its not real. Just tap on it and pretend.

(Taps on the prop phone and a Tesla Model S pulls up.  She shrugs and gets in.)

(Double takes as the car drives off):
And we’re off.

Woody takes off at run for the bus stop.

And I will be taking... What will I be taking?

Man in a lab coat runs up to her and hands her an envelope. Rosie opens it and savagely back hands the man.

Fuck you! 'I will be taking a bike!"  Get the Uber back here, right fucking now!

Cut to the inside camera of the Tesla.

Huh? You don't see that everyday Well, it appears Danica has shanked her uber driver with the iPhone prop and hijacked her fully electric and Earth friendly get away car.

It’s 240 miles to Nuevo Lared, folks. But if she keeps both the headlights and  air conditioning off she might just make it. And on that bombshell we leave you.  Tune in to Eco-Feminist Top Gear next week to see the results of that exciting chase.  Good night everybody!

Closing theme  Allman Brother’s Jessica, is played on one acoustic guitar with accompanying drum circle. As a Tesla is seen tearing down a desert highway.  A Prius with flashing lights in hot pursuit. 

The Prius pulls over after a the Tesla is completely out of sight. A Texas Ranger gets out, spits on the car and shoots it.

Dissolve to Woody Harrelson slowly spinning around naked in the middle of a drum circle at SXSW.

Fade to Black.


The Beeb has decided that a nameless producer, is a perfect hill to die on.  Jeremy Clarkson is out.


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