Tuesday, January 6, 2015

How to Find a Sufficiently Feminist Boyfriend



A woman who has no idea how to be woman, only wants a man who has no idea how to be a man.

How to Find a Feminist Boyfriend from the Wapo writer Lisa Bonos, doesn't actually tell you how to find one you understand. She simply struggles for several pages to come up with a checklist and fails to accomplish that. 
This is ultimately the very sad ramblings of woman who has flown past her peak SMV and is in complete denial about it. She is now serious about finding the right man. Which will be a problem due to the fact that he doesn't exist.

This article is the end result of thirty years of relentless Maoist brainwashing 

Cataline's comments are in bold. Captain Subtext's are in bold and italicized. 

Oh and Bonos also drifted waaaay off topic several times into feminist word salad. I had to edit those out for space. Also I was getting a headache from punching myself in the brain hard enough to get the bullshit out of my head.

Okay then, let’s explore some demon-crazy.




‘I find it really attractive how successful you are,” my date said, leaning in for a kiss.


Oh my fucking God, no.  No, he didn’t do that.  Tell me he did not!


Sure, it sounds like a line. But it also sounds like feminism...


Well she’s half right.  It certainly sounds like feminism but in no world that I inhabit, does it remotely sound like a line.  This is Anti-Game.


It certainly made him more appealing than the guy who said, “Wow, you’re really ambitious,” like he was surprised.


Or sarcastic.  Sarcastic is a real possibility here.


Or the one who asked, “Why do you work so much?” and “Why would you want to work even more?” when I was angling for a promotion.  


It didn’t work out with any of those men...


Cataline’s jaw hits the floor in shock and amazement.  Men who appear weak and unappealing don’t get anywhere with women?  Can this be a real?  How is this even a thing?!?!?


but going out with them made it all the more obvious to me what I want a partner to be:


A rescue cat?  Two rescue cats!  Its two, right?


cute, smart, funny and . . . yes, feminist.


Yep definitely two rescue cats. For a moment I thought she was going to expound on a masculine virtue.  Silly old Catiline.


So go ahead, alert Susan Patton, Lori Gottlieb and the rest of the get-married-already crowd: A 30-something single woman, eggs unfrozen...


I have hit the wall so hard I have a brain damage.


is telling other single women that they should dare to want it all if they ever hope to have it all.


You. Can. Not. Have. It. All.

No one can.  This is called being a human.  Anyone who tells you different is lying, stupid or insane.  


But how do you spot a male feminist if he’s not at an abortion rights rally wearing a “This Is What a Feminist Looks Like” T-shirt?


Ooo! Ooo! I know! I know! He's ninety pounds soaking wet, has dreadlocks, a wispy chin beard and a Che T-shirt. Did I win? Did I??


It shouldn’t be hard.


No it’s not! I just told you how. Skinny white boy. Dreadlocks. Chin-beard. Che-shirt.


After all, as Aziz Ansari said on David Letterman’s show recently, everyone’s a feminist now.


Well...only if everyone has suddenly turned into three foot tall Tamil comedians, fishing for golf clap appalause.  


Unless you think Beyonce shouldn’t have the right to vote,


Stupid people shouldn’t vote.  I admit to thinking that.  I’m thinking that right now.
should earn 23 percent less than Jay-Z


Beyonce makes waaaaaayyy less than Jay-Z.


and should be at home cooking rather than performing. And who would think that?


At least she wouldn’t be performing.


Few guys will proudly say no when asked if they’re feminists.


Wrong.


Instead it’s a wholehearted yes,


Still wrong.


a lukewarm maybe


Or a “no.” “No” is in the mix here.


or Can you define what you mean by “feminist,” please?


I can define, “Beta.”  Is that close?


As one 32-year-old put it to The Washington Post Magazine last month: “I respect the movement. I’m hesitant to call myself a feminist,


Probably also hesitant to call himself a man.


but I guess I wouldn’t shy away from the term.”


Because you are Beta and the term is toxic and someone might knock you down and take your lunch money.  But you also know feminists are all sluts and where there is sleazy there is also easy.  So that gives you hope. That is the great lie of feminism. That if you say you believe in feminism, you will be rewarded with uncomplicated easy sex.

Never. Going. To. Happen.


In other words: Do we have to put a label on it?


Warning labels are a help.  Thats a thing!


The label isn’t everything; living it is more important than saying it. But it’s a good place to start.

Define what you’re looking for.


Let us watch the fantasy unfold.  You can’t make this shit up.


Is he a feminist if he proclaims, on a first date, that he could see himself taking his wife’s last name?  (Maybe his last name is common)


Is he really a feminist if he insists on castrating himself in front of you? (Don't be fooled by an empty gesture like that).


If he insists on doing the dishes after you’ve cooked dinner together but proceeds to whip the dish towel at your ass, is that playful or objectifying? (Both.)


Unless he is wearing his favorite Little French Maid outfit.  It's fine then.  

Actually that line was just a little sad.  You could see just for a moment, the smallest sliver of normal human sexual desire peaking out from under all of the brain washing that has been carved into this woman's head since childhood.


Is he sexist if he cancels an Uber ride because a female driver is on her way to pick the two of you up? (Definitely.)


There is nothing I can write, that will make this any  funnier.


Does he need to believe that men and women, are equals and should be treated as such? (Uh, yes.)


Men and women are not equals.  They are symbiotes.


Does he need to be actively fighting for social, political and economic justice for women — and for all people, really — to identify as a feminist? (Not necessarily. But if he’s doing that, great.)


Can he be both offensive and boring at the same time? That one is critical. Screen for it carefully.


Here’s how I’m defining it: Feminist daters — male or female, gay or straight — aren’t constrained by gender roles. Anyone can do the asking-out, the feelings-confessing or the initiating of any kind.


You aren't defining anything.  WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!?!?!


(As for who picks up the check on a first date, let’s obliterate the gender pay gap first, then put that one back up for debate.)


Note to Players of the Game.  One; avoid like the fucking plague, the expensive dinner date.  This is Anti-Game. It applies obligation pressure on a woman by placing a Gift-Debt upon her.  You can’t build sexual tension under those circumstances. 

Take her to a bowling ally or an art museum depending on the woman.  If the woman is a feminist then... 

Two Prime; Do not date a feminist.  I mean that one is fucking obvious.

Of course, way too many guys think they’re feminists but don’t live up to it.


God, how I wish a single word of that was true.


A true male feminist is supportive of, interested in and enthusiastic about his partner’s career.


And his partner’s boyfriend's career as well.  And taking care of his partner's kids, when his partner's boyfriend takes her to the Hamptons for a looooong weekend. Partners need time off like that. And Its good for him to bond with kids that might be his own.


He might not expect to earn more than his partner or think that his career trumps hers; a feminist couple might relocate for the woman’s career. Things are moving in this direction: A 2014 study by the moving company Mayflower found that 72 percent of millennials would move for a female spouse’s job, compared with 59 percent of baby boomers.


Millennial males don’t have careers.  This is the definition of the Millennial male.


The challenge of breaking out of rigid gender roles isn’t limited to straight daters...


Editing for space here.  What followed was standard Marxist-feminist-gender word salad babble. Way off topic.


... When it comes to that attraction, a feminist man makes sure — verbally — that his partner is on board, rather than just forging ahead. “Never assume I’d like it there,” as Annie Werner, a 25-year-old who works for Tumblr in New York, says when talking about the importance of sexual consent.


I took a moment to google: Annie Werner Tumblr.  Yes, she was talking about surprise butt sex.  You didn't make a bad assumption there.  That happened.


“If you’re a woman who wants a man to grab you and kiss you because that’s what sweeps you off your feet, realistically, a feminist man is not going to do that,” says Rita Goodroe, a 38-year-old life coach in Northern Virginia who works mostly with singles.

Wait. Stop. What the fuck? That comment made sense. That is not possible here. What is going on? I'M SO CONFUSED!!

“He’s going to ask for permission.”


I’d rather have permission than confusion.

Ah...Consent is Sexy is what is going on. Bonos feels she needs to incorporate the newest liturgy, into her sermon.


A feminist dater or boyfriend (and yes, feminists have boyfriends) 

Heavy on the Friend. Light on the boy but otherwise sort of correct.

is aware of the ways women have traditionally been held back...

"Aware" Hmmm...I'm not sure she knows what that word means. Let me check the online dictionary. Ah...I see the problem. Bonos was clearly using the North Korean addition which does indeed define "aware," as successfully re-educated. See also; slave.

Edited for Politically Submissive Word Salad.

...As an experiment, Megan Downey, a 24-year-old social marketing specialist in Washington, has a very succinct Tinder profile: a few pictures of herself and the word “feminist.”


I googled her as well. Another word would be “fat.”  She is 24 and very, very fat.


“I was just wondering if there were men out there who were not afraid of the word ‘feminist,’ ” she tells me.


“As well being smothered in their sleep if I roll over in the night.  Both of those are real limiters for my relationships."


Downey says she heard from one or two guys who wanted to fight about what the word meant. And then she found one who wasn’t afraid of the F-bomb: A man wrote to her that it was “great to see a feminist on Tinder”


Which Cataline is willing to bet means, “I am desperate.”


— he self-identifies as a Marxist feminist and has studied the history of gender inequality and how it has affected the economy, she says.


Cataline has won his bet.

They saw each other for about three months.


Three months.  Wow.  I bet their friends kept asking them, “What is your secret, guys?”



Edited for Ethno-Masochistic Word Salad.


...I’ve long believed that dating like a feminist — which often involves making the first move — will weed out many of the guys with more rigid ideas about gender and relationships.

They need to prove they are man enough to let me wear the strap-on.

It might also help identify the feminist man who doesn’t want to come on too strong or who feels it isn’t necessarily his responsibility to signal interest.

Because he doesn't remotely dare signal interest.


Downey, for example, asked her Marxist feminist out on their first two dates. 

That ensured that she was paying for dinner. The first rule of Marxist-feminism is somebody else always pays for my dinner. 

Also he was too frightened of her to say, "no."

And I interviewed two 24-year-old men — they consider themselves feminists — whose girlfriends either asked them out first or sent the first message on Tinder. “I’m not good at reaching out,” one of them told me.

It is completely forbidden for me to have sexual desires unless I am told, I may have them... Is...is this one of those times? Are you coming on to me? No?!? Oh God! I'm so sorry!!!


For years, Davis has been nudging women to send the initial message in online dating, and now she’s getting less pushback on that advice. “I’ve been encouraging women to be proactive with their dating lives . . . and now I feel like I don’t need to preach that any longer."

These neuters are the freaking end result of feminism. These men (I only use the Cis-gendered term with the greatest reluctance here) are terrified of admitting any kind of sexual interest. The punishment for misreading even the most basic Indicators of Interest are denouncement before the Central Committee followed by ritual public castration.


My feminist dating story starts in my sixth-grade classroom, 

Oh fuck me!

as I watched my first major crush, 

Fuck me twice!

Chris, ask my best friend, Erica, if she would “go out” with him. (Not on a specific date, of course; this was just 1990s low-key lingo for “Will you be my girlfriend?”) She said yes. The whole class was watching and cheering him on, probably because none of us had seen a boy ask a girl out before and wanted to see how it was done. But I was devastated.

Lisa Bonos vowed then and there that she would never in her life, have another normal human response.


I resolved right then that the next time I liked someone, I was going to make it clear. I’ve refined my approach over the years, so I’m not haphazardly confessing crushes. 

(*snork*) No, honey. Sorry, you haven't. Not in the least. You are still doing it every time you ask a guy out.

But if I want to spend time with someone and see if there’s something there, I’m comfortable initiating a first date — or a non-date date,

Yes but how comfortable are you in getting turned down? What are you generally known for doing on the first date that ensures that you won't get turned down?

depending on how bold I’m feeling.

Xanax: The Woman's Viagra.


In fact, I was so bold when it came to love that when I was having trouble mustering the chutzpah to apply for a promotion a few years ago, a friend said to me, “Lisa, if this job were a guy, you would’ve gone on a first date already.”


Uh Lisa you have real trouble hanging on to boyfriends.  You’ve noticed that right?  Why fuckup your job too?


That was all it took for my workplace assertiveness to kick in. For other women, though, it might be the other way around.


He’s not the only one who should be strong and sensitive.


What she seems to be looking for a in a man, is in fact a woman.  Lisa Bonos really hasn’t given lesbianism a fair shot in my view.  


Sometimes expressing feelings doesn’t feel “brave” or “bold,” but stereotypically girly.


God forbid.


When Annie Werner tells me about her recent breakup — “I was dumped because my self-assuredness was unrelatable”


I thought it was because Annie wouldn’t let him have butt sex.


— her indignation is extremely relatable.


If it was a butt sex fetish, then yeah.  I’m right with you kid but this might not be the issue.


“It just never seems like you were open to self-doubt,” Werner said her ex told her, a critique that she says came out of nowhere. “There were never moments of vulnerability, which are often moments that lead to real intimacy.”


Okay now there is just no question about it.


At first she thought this breakup rationale was ridiculous. But once she thought about how she — and other women like her — has built herself up “as this feminist, this self-assured woman, this strong person,” she realized that “it becomes harder to access the more feminine parts of yourself that could be more positive.”


Look. Bottom line she got dumped and that never happens to attractive women. Never. They always do the dumping. Annie rates about an 8 (photoshop not withstanding). It was undoubtedly a horrendous blow to her ego.


“There’s this persona we create for ourselves that doesn’t compute with vulnerability,” she added.


Exactly. Because a woman at her most vulnerable could be taken advantage of. And that’s no one’s feminist fantasy.


Actually that seems to be every feminist’s fantasy these days.


But the opposite — showing little emotion in budding relationships — could be the “cool girl” trap. Mukhopadhyay talks about the subtle sexism she sees in the way women avoid talking about their feelings in relationships, so as not to be cast as a stereotypical woman who gets too emotional.


“I might be cool with casual sex, but that doesn’t necessarily make me this ‘cool girl’ who’s detached from emotion,” Mukhopadhyay says.


Which brings us back to that elusive feminist boyfriend.


Glad you finally remembered what your article was supposed to be about.  


If the feminist man is all about blending strength and sensitivity, balancing traditionally masculine traits with traditionally feminine ones,

And being a rainbow unicorn because those are totes real too.  No honestly, they are.  I'm a feminist, would I lie to you?


it’s a balance women are also trying to navigate.


And that’s a concept that doesn’t fit on a T-shirt.


Here’s one that does.


I Am Trouble.


What Happens to You Now 


Is Your Own Damn Fault.

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